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As Christopher's main website grows larger, I have found it neccessary to cull and move pages that are important but that can be moved to this site for safekeeping and reference. This is the "First Year" page. It was written at the end of our first painful year without our son. So much happened that first year, things I have never revealed or written or spoken of : visits from Chris, messages in the form of 'waking dreams' and direct contact not only to me and his mother but to his Aunt Cindy and we believe his sister.
This first year letter contained thoughts and subject matter that involved many of the above references. I have been for some time, writing as my energy allows, about some of the events I speak of. I am afraid if I do not document those happenings, I will forget the precious interludes we had with him.
YEAR ONE
I think I finally understand. I think I finally have put the pieces together, all the various images and ideas that have cluttered my brain the last few weeks are coming into focus and I think I see and can comprehend what has just been out of reach, until now. My nights have been filled with familiar dreams yet upon waking, I have felt every time as if there were other things running underneath the dreams, things more important
I have been so troubled lately after waking, feeling as if I am missing something, some idea or theory that is coming to me in fragments. Every time I awake, I am unsettled and confused by the puzzle that keeps coming back, each time giving me a chance to find a few more pieces that fit into this until now, unknown picture.
The reasons for the huge jump in our grief and our pain, the reasons I have been having trouble sleeping, why every night I wake up from partially finished dreams that on the surface seem familiar, but as with dreams- obscure and meaningless, then have my head filled with ideas and thoughts that race so quickly, I can only catch bits and pieces.
Now I understand.
I believe we have been saying GOODBYE. The 17th will be the final chance to be as close to Christopher as we will be until our own deaths. This year, with all the grief, all the tears, all the anger and feelings of helplessness, all the burdens we have carried, has just been the prelude to this point in time. All we have endured has been training if you will, so that we can run the final race and cross the finish line.
This is the FINISH LINE that we are about to step across today. After this, WE WILL HAVE TO LET CHRIS GO. WE WILL HAVE TO RELEASE HIM FROM OUR PAIN, OUR HURT AND OUR GRIEF. AFTER THIS, HE WILL NOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR LOOKING AFTER US ANY LONGER. HE HAS STAYED AS LONG AS HE CAN AND NOW HAS TO TURN HIS FULL ATTENTION ON HIS NEW LIFE AND THE PROJECTS HE WAS GIVEN TO US TO PREPARE HIM FOR.
All of the wonderful, happy, excitement filled 18 years he was with us was HIS TRAINING , HIS PREPARATION for the work GOD truly intended him to do. It is true and I finally understand it. He was given to us as a gift, but more importantly, as a student, to teach and to instruct. There was some reason GOD gave him to us, to Mary Kay and I and to all of you. Each of us had some small part of a bigger lesson plan, a plan so big, so comprehensive, so all encompassing, that none of us can begin to fathom the course.
Christopher was a student of life and of humanity and I understand now, that he “GOT IT”, he understood life in a way, none of us does. He was operating on a different level, a higher level. I believe now, that HE knew that. He knew he saw things differently, he understood that he looked at life differently, that he embraced it more and that he could see things none of us could.
I think that’s why he got so much enjoyment out of his life. He truly loved living and truly loved the people in his life and wanted only the best for them. He wanted all of us to see his visions, to know his insights and to understand why we should all have seen and felt life as he did.
I see now why Christopher seldom got angry, but did get FRUSTRATED. I see now that whenever he got frustrated it was because he just could not understand, or maybe he did understand, why he couldn’t get us to see some particular idea or vision, why he could not make us understand something. Because he knew, he could see it, but wanted so much for us to be able to understand and enjoy it as he did.
I think Christopher gave Cindy the last piece I needed to put all of this together when he visited her in the Adoration Chapel. She wrote me this line:
“I believe that Christopher will not be able to move on, until he is assured that all those he left behind are doing ok. He knows that your lives will never be the same.
But he wants you to be able to smile again.”
Since she wrote me that email I have thought of that line repeatedly and it has been making me sad that I would be keeping Chris from doing the work I understood many months ago, he was destined to do. I have worried that our grief and our tears were making him sad and I have been worried that when he looked at us and saw everyone having such a difficult time, that he would feel guilty for that night and would regret the way he lived and the things he did.
None of us can disappoint him. He worked too hard and loved us too much and expended too much of his life force on us. I think he knew he was meant to be something special to everyone he knew BUT, I don’t think he understood just how much we all needed him to be here with us. His own humility kept him from seeing just how important he was to so many.
He understands now. My only fear is that in now understanding and in now comprehending and seeing all the hurting people he left behind, that he feels guilty and sorrow for what happened. We can’t let him feel that way and we all have to pray and talk to him and assure him that we will be okay- that even if we hurt and even if our lives are never the same without him, that we will survive and we will find a way to go on. We have to do this for him. He did so much for all of us in one way or another. We will never have another individual in our lives like him. God doesn’t make that many of them. And when he does, I don’t think they stay for very long. They are created for a higher calling, a more important vision, only God knows.
Our lives; Mary Kay’s, Caranne and myself, will never be the same. It is a sad truth we will have to accept and learn to live with.
FOR CARANNE: To my daughter, she has endured more pain and heartache than most people will in a lifetime. She has lost the most important person in her young life, her confidant, her sounding board, her mentor. She has shown unbelievable courage, will power, and strength of character beyond her years and her spirit has been tempered by a tragedy that would make many wilt and give up.
But she has not given up and she has faced the last year with a courage and determination, which has made me ashamed of myself many times. In many ways, it has been she that has dragged Kay and I along this year. At times, it has been she that has taken care of us, refusing our comfort and consoling because she could see how much we were hurting. She has for the most part, taken care of herself- feeding herself, getting herself up for school, putting herself to bed each night, motivating herself to attend to her responsibilities and seldom have we had to follow up.
We have had to learn how to take care of her and for that we feel guilt. Christopher, from the day she was born, was charged with looking after her, a job he took seriously and unselfishly gave his life so that she could stay with us. He never complained and always happily accepted the responsibility and they were truly best friends.
FOR MARY KAY: Her first born, her golden child, her pride and joy. The person that validated her life and made good all her mistakes- the one that made her sacrifices, the long work hours, all worthwhile, is gone and with it, a large part of her heart and her spirit.
FOR ME: I have lost my precious “Buggy”, my dive partner, my best friend and trusted ally, my pride, my best accomplishment MY SON.
No, our lives will never be the same and possibly our best years ended the day he died. But the love he gave us, the joy and happiness he shared, the lessons of love he taught us, all will remain.
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Flying At Twilight
