Year Four,

I have struggled for weeks now to find a theme, a message, a way to convey how our lives have been in this our fourth year without Christopher. I have written many words, edited pages of text and still I cannot seem to find what’s in my heart regarding this Dec. 17^th.  I have subject matter- that is never in short supply, especially now that I do not write as frequently as I did when I posted the journal online. But I believe that much of my writing is somber and depressing as is my general pessimistic outlook. I am a pessimist by nature and Christopher’s death has certainly not changed that and in fact magnified my sense of doubt about life and people.

But now on the eve of the 17^th as I sit here writing, Caranne is home, safe upstairs, back from her first semester at KCAI , Kay is still at a work function and the house is quiet. Snow is on the ground, the cat farm is collectively sleeping and I want so badly to write something positive for a change. And so I shall try, for Christopher.

The last three months have been trying emotionally as we have tried to adjust to Caranne’s absence from this house. We anticipated her flight, talked about it some, but never in too much detail as we both knew and understood the similarities we were about to face and neither one of us wanted to dwell on how four years ago we prepared Chris for his departure from this house for K State. We all know how that turned out and as is my superstitious nature, I couldn’t help feeling we were and are destined to the same fate.

Her absence in our daily lives has had a dramatic effect in so many ways both real and perceptually. Both Kay and I keenly felt the pressure and anxiety of her departure. We so wanted to keep her here with us, in this place that frankly many times is difficult to be. But at least here we would know where she was and that she was protected. But even saying that I realize is so naïve and stupid- of course she’s not safe here. If she were, he would be here too. No we are not that naïve; only that desperate and pathetic. But she is here tonight and I keep telling myself that IF we can just get beyond tomorrow night we can make it and the timeline will be in our favor and gentle winds of life’s inevitable change will favor us.

The three of us have been so robbed and wronged and yet in the face of this injustice, we are forced to keep going forward to some as of yet undetermined destination. But I must find a way to convey more than the usual hopelessness and fear that is my constant companion. I have to work harder to see the positive and to put behind the worst of times. I have to become more faithful in God’s mercy. I have to believe there is something within me that will allow me to learn to become what surely God had planned by his taking of our son. I can never believe it was a senseless, random act. I can’t live that way.

The fact that she IS still here is a miracle and a direct result of Chris’ sacrifice. And that I guess is a direct result of God’s mercy. He could have taken both of them but he didn’t and for that, although reading my thoughts may lead you be believe I am not grateful would be wrong. I have prayed everyday for her because we both understand what a gift she is. She is a remarkable human being, cut from the same cloth as her brother- fiercely brave and independent with his ‘throw caution to the wind’ mindset. She is as crippled as we yet strong and courageous, stubborn and fearless, unbelievably intelligent and talented, and determined to regain what was stolen from her so brutally and forcefully.  She lives now as did he and whether or not that is her nature I am unsure of or whether it is the product of her experience, I don’t know. But we are charged to do everything we can for her for I do believe she is destined for great things and facilitating what ever that may be is our obligation not only to her but to her brother- we owe it to his memory.

But we have come to understand and accept that she must begin to find her own way; away from here, this house- us and our constant fretting and intrusions and paranoia. She must begin to find a life without Chris; one that can provide her fulfillment, comfort, stability and happiness. She has to find a way to get beyond his death- something I don’t think Kay and I can do. She cannot let us drag her down and keep her here, though we so desperately would love to, selfish as that is. We understand that but putting it into practice and living it is a difficult proposition and as the last few months have shown us, will be a hard adjustment for us to make.

We are so damaged, our views, our way of thinking horribly bent and skewed since Christopher’s untimely death. We are not able really to understand how our thinking has been tainted by his death. We believe we think rationally and clearly and we in our minds feel we make logical, concrete decisions on her behalf regarding traveling, her driving, and her destinations. But we do not. There are too many silent demons residing within our minds and hearts- demons that control us and tug at us, pulling us in seemingly reasonable, logical directions but are not. Our ability to perceive these demons is ridiculously limited further by hearts filled with sadness, grief and guilt. The list of our ills is endless, our lives a pathetic joke- unrecognizable from our previous life with both of them together.

We have a long way to go and this journey is just beginning but the start has been a good one. She has done well in school and she loves the atmosphere of inclusion and acceptance- something foreign in her previous earlier years in private schools. Public school was good for her and her high school years, save for year one, were generally good years. She blossomed as an artist during those years and that again is a blessing because I believe her art in many ways saved her and kept her going. Her teachers were another God send and I truly believe that one was send by God as her mentor. They brought out the talent within, helped her grow and learn and facilitated her road to healing. They truly love her and admire her as the exceptional person she is, again, like her brother and they continue to stay in touch with her.

Where Christopher was a suburban kid, she is an urban girl, preferring downtown and the feel of the city, its rhythm and especially its mix of cultures and races. She has virtually no prejudices of lifestyles and this school is so inclusive and accepting- clearly meant for her mindset and live and let live attitude. It’s so funny for us to go to the campus and see hundreds of ‘Carannes’- weird clothes, piercings, tattoos, every manner of person- all artists. My dear friend Cody commented during a recent phone conversation when told him where she was going to school, “Man, I bet that’s a site, seeing a whole campus of ‘pink haired’ weirdo’s and all that wild shit they wear!” You would have to know Cody to understand his remarks, made with loud exuberance and good humor and an understanding of her dress and demeanor.

Most importantly, she has begun to find a mix of friends on campus and most we have met during three or four parties she has had here at the house- again like her brother. A house full of noisy kids has bought this wounded home back to life during those times and again memories of a son so loved and missed. It has been melancholy to be sure but to see her smile and enjoy herself is why we live now. I pray that in time she will find a solid core of friends who will hold her dear and sustain her, care for her and remain steadfast in their support of her. She needs that more than anything now. Chris can only do so much for her and most of that will be unseen and unknown. She is here and living and if she is to make it she must have people who will be here after Kay and I are gone.

I have gone on too long and so much more could be said. Year four has been very hard, as hard as number two. More kids have been lost and more parents are beginning the journey we now continue. I hope in time those who know us, knew Chris and loved him will begin to understand how many of us exist and that when they read about another parent’s child dying, they will say a quiet prayer for them and then say a prayer that they will never have to navigate the difficult road we travel.  I wonder if this life we live now is all that it will ever be. Is there truly a way to get beyond his death and in the process strike out and find something remotely similar, somewhat fulfilling- life or something like it? I know Mary Kay’s answer and I desperately hope she is wrong and I wish I knew what Caranne believes deep in a heart and mind so injured and robbed.

Mostly, I wish I could know what Christopher thinks of how we have conducted our lives to this point. Would he be disappointed, saddened that we have not found our way or would he tell me we have done the best we can with what we have been given?  I wish I knew where he was, what he has seen and experienced in his new life. I know he is out there somewhere living in some dimension beyond our understanding and comprehension, seeing wondrous sites and visions- things he and I talked about endlessly. Nothing really dies. The universe wastes nothing- everything is transformed.  I hope he is happy and free from feeling and seeing any suffering we endure at his death. All we ever wanted for both of them and still do is to be happy and to live.

And yeah, he really lived.