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Journal Archives From www.chriscamarena.com
These raw journals were originally published on my son's website above. In the early days of his death, I really had no idea what I was doing when I decided to start a website in his memory and the journals were an extension of my grief and disbelief, anger, feelings of helplessness- everything a person can feel when the most horrific live event happens, happens to you, and in an instant, changes your life forever.
At the time I simply wanted everyone to know how much we loved him and how much he meant to us. I would just sit down and start writing what I was feeling and thinking, with little regard to how I would be perceived. Some of the content may seem indulgent and self serving with more than a little self pity. It was not intended to be that way and for that I am sorry. I have been tempted to cull these pages before moving them to this site but I have decided to just let them stand on their own merits. I believe they can be of help to other parents who have lost a child. I think there is more to gain by leaving them in their original form and I can accept what ever criticism some may feel I deserve for certain portions of the content. After what has happened, it is a very small price to pay if it helps someone and if those that take time to read them, get to know our extraordinary son. He truly was ONE OF A KIND!
JOURNAL BEGINNING
As painful as this may be, I have decided to open my journal that I started in the hospital a week after Christopher's death. I began writing it one evening after Caranne had come back from surgery. Although it seems so long ago, those nights at her bedside were some of the darkest and the painful ride we had just begun made the hours drag by. As I sat there thinking of the horrific events and the situation we were in, I decided I had to find a way to sort through all the visions in my head and try as best I could, to organize my thoughts and chronicle our daily lives from that point on. The reasons for writing this journal to this day are not entirely clear to me. I know it made me feel a little more in control of the situation and i more than anything, felt compelled to keep a record of the days activities and all the feelings I was having.
Today is Jan. 8th, exactly three weeks since my son left us and as I sit here in the spare bedroom writing this, we continue the three of us, to try to get though another day without him, with no real direction to go in, no roadmap to follow, no one with us really, to help us make sense of something no parent should ever have to contemplate let alone actually live. We have joined an elite group of people, chosen at random it would seem, to live a nightmare that never ends, where every morning is a curse and every evening brings with it some comfort that we have again almost made it another day without Chris.
Our lives have been destroyed and as if that were not enough, we are given no options but to go on somehow. I will as the days pass and my energy and will allows, begin posting pages of my journal. These thoughts, will be here for those who wish to read them to take or learn what ever they might. I cannot let Chris be forgotten and maybe somehow this effort will give people reading, some insight into a parents love for their son, their grief and pain, and more importantly, a better understanding of a family and their wonderful son.
PLEASE NOTE: Before I start posting my journal I remembered that I had written this piece right after Chris left for K State. We were all feeling so sad that he was gone from our daily lives and I wrote this as a way to deal with my feelings about him leaving us. Little did I know what was to follow but a few months later, and now the letter seems even more important and timely.
K-STATE STORY
Tears welled in my eyes as I watched my departing son walk across the street, stop, take a tentative step to the right, stop again as if his body would not do his will and then look left and slowly walk back to his new dorm and his new life………without us.
As he walked back to the dormitory I could see only the little boy I helped raise and nurture, the boy I was now giving up and sending out on his own as an adult, making his own decisions and setting his own schedule and daily goals. He has grown so quickly and the cliché of “ where does the time fly” does no justice to the way I am feeling now about how quickly he has matured and become such a wonderful young man full of promise and hope at the future that lies ahead of him.
I am fearful that he will not readily return to the nest and that we will quickly become a easily passed memory, flickering into his conscience and then as swiftly, vanishing , easily dismissed as a daydream and as quickly forgotten. The fears we have as parents are many, and this milestone of life, crossed by so many, has flattened me with a vicious anger and has left me stumbling and weak kneed , unsure about how to continue. The emotions I am feeling have surprised me and the memories come freely, flooding my mind.
I was I now realize, foolish enough to think that this day would pass as any other, uneventful, with a simple obligatory goodbye sufficing, stirring little emotion. How wrong I was, how simple minded in my though process. I had not fully appreciated the enormity of the event and its implications, had not considered the life changing reality it was now presenting me with.
Standing at the back of the van, his sister and mother tiptoed into their goodbyes, making small talk and going over checklists, making sure we had done all we could before departing. My emotions suddenly and cruelly slapped me into the moment and I quickly walked to the side of the car, feigning busy work as my chest tightened and the wave of tears threatened to sweep over me. Finally the moment I now realize I had been dreading was here- my turn to say goodbye. With a tentative step toward my advancing son, I drew him hungrily to my chest in a bear hug and slapped his muscular back, feeling more like the child now than the father. Feeling old and feeble, I was able to murmur only a “ take care of yourself, ok?”, before the tears streamed down my embarrassed face.
If he noticed them, he had the empathy and compassion to say nothing. I composed myself as best I could and watched as my wife and daughter quietly took their leave of him. Suddenly he turned and grabbed me again, this time more urgently and told me he loved me. No words came from my mouth though I tried to echo the sentiment. I could only hang on.
As we drove away from the campus, my teenage daughter slumped into the back seat of the van, the weight of her brother , her closest confidant and hero, leaving her life pummeled her spirit. My heart breaks as I look at her limp body, telegraphing her anguish and impending loneliness. She has confided in him that she worries that we as parents will smother her and hound her relentlessly now that he is gone in an effort to assuage our own feelings of loss at his absence. He has always taken care of her in a way most older siblings would not, including her in many of his activities. The loss of their daily interaction will cause her the most immediate pain compounded by her own new journey to high school.
We are all silent as we pull onto the interstate, the 2 hour trip home seems endless as do the tears that run down my cheek. I try to hide my emotions from my wife as she too sits silently next to me staring out the window on the bright sunny day. Embarrassed as most men are at tears especially when given so freely , I cannot bear to have my wife see me in this state and I am a little ashamed that I am. My mind races with all the possible tragedies and traps that lay before my son and memories of the past flicker endlessly like a slide show.
The day has been long and as we pull into the driveway I realize that we have spoken not one word the entire trip, each alone in our thoughts of Chris. Later that night as we climb into bed, my wife and I hug each other, silent in our thoughts of daily life without him. Knowing what the other is feeling and hoping the morning will bring some comfort for all.
The first 4 handwritten pages of my journal are missing as I have had trouble getting them copied to a usable format. I will post them as soon as I figure out how to properly add them to this page. This is the start of my journal using my computer at home. I hope this journal will give friends and family a better understanding of what we are going through. Please keep us in your thoughts and don't let Christopher be forgotten.
DEC. 27TH
Chris, today we brought josie home and its been very hectic since. Its so hard to do all the things we have to and the hours just drag by, even when we are busy. On the way home she was very quiet as we all were. Lost in thought about how we were going to proceed once getting to what used to be the comfort of our warm home. Without you there the feeling is very different, comforting but painful and raw. I could have never imagined that this place, one where you roamed and slept could now be such a cold , but still somehow comforting dwelling. It seems like a contradiction and it is but how could it be anything else.
Our pain is so immense and deep there are times I can barely keep a thought in my head and those that remain are so brutal and hurtful I cannot find a way to deal with them in any kind of useable fashion.
I have so many things I want to do and feel that I need to do I don’t know where to start. Many of the tasks are daily chores that just require discipline and fortitude and that makes them especially hard to do. The other things that have been swirling in my head will take so long to carry out yet I feel compelled to at least start them so that I can somehow begin to feel as though I am doing something meaningful and useful to honor your spirit.
I fully intend to make a website dedicated to you my son. The idea came to me a few nights ago as I lay there in the dark listening to the constant drone and hissing of caranne’s leg compressor. Nights are the hardest at its now about 6 pm as I sit here upstairs just feet from your room. I know these thoughts are very random and at some point I will organize this journal that I am writing so that it can be incorporated into the website.
I know I will go back and forth in time during the writing of this. My plan is to just sit down daily and write what I am feeling and thinking. Chronology I don’t believe will make much difference to whoever reads this. For a father who has lost the most precious thing in his life, time is now only an enemy, one which keeps me from joining him. I no longer fear death, not it the least!! I cant say exactly why that has happened , and the obvious I think, is exactly that, too obvious. The reasons are much deeper and profound but in my condition, I have no real urge to explore them.
The beginnings of this journal were formed in the hospital room as kay and I watched over your sister. Some if this will be written in letter form to you, some as merely a recollection of the days events and my thoughts about what as befallen us. Some will be hand written as the writings occurred where ever I was and with what ever was handy. I will simply scan those pages into this journal and leave them as they are. I also will refrain from trying to make this grammatically and compositionally correct. It is my nature to try to write in the proper style that I have learned but I believe in order for this journal to truly have meaning and import, the immediacy and candid nature of this is paramount.
Dec. 29
Its early morning as I ready myself for another day with out chris. Already I have laid my day out to keep as busy as possible. Looking out the window on this cold frosty morning looking for the cats to return from their prowl makes me melancholy as I look at the usual; winter starkness: the brown grass, the dusty appearance of the foliage, the bare trees, all reminders of my son not being here on a week that normally would be full of cheer and idleness.
In past years before the new year, kay and I would just hang around the house enjoying the mornings together doing the small things in life that keep the house in order. As in past years, the kids would do nothing and I mean nothing. Chris was always a late riser and josie was even worse. But it didn’t matter because except for the few chores demanded of them, their days were theirs as we always gave them time to relax after a hectic first semester of school in which we always drove them hard. As for kay and I, we used many of these afternoons to indulge ourselves in lunch out to places we never normally could go during the week: the plaza or one of our local haunts that few from this part of town would go to but we loved because of the quirkiness of the place or the ambiance.
This week would have been different because chris would have been home for an extended period for the first time since he left for school. I don’t know how things would have been and I hadn’t even contemplated it. Leading up to this tragedy, I had been working furiously on two new business ventures and had really determined to use all my available time wisely, sorting thru all the details of those projects. As holidays were never any concern of mine, they always slipped up on me at the last minute and then I mostly went thru the motions to pacify kay and her love of same. I cant now imagine what might have been this week and I really don’t think I have the capacity to really dwell on something that is now moot.
The mail is piling up on the counter, mostly cards which will sit for some time unopened. Neither kay or I have the energy to even think of sitting down and looking at them. I went thru all the bills yesterday and took care of any obligations that were pending. The only stack left really is one I cannot even bare to consider: all of the correspondence from K state. I left it in a neat pile on the roll top desk where it will sit until kay has the courage to sift thru it. I cannot!!! Another reminder of all the unfinished goals and dreams that will never be realized and goddammit there are far to many of those around us already. I cannot bear to consider another.
So for today I will start cleaning out the upstairs cedar closet to make way for my long term project which is to organize and clean chris’s room. I will want the available space in the cedar closet to hold many of chris’s clothes and other keepsakes: tucked safely away for our comfort and memory. I plan to give nothing up, nothing!! No part of my son’s brilliant life will leave our hands or this house. All we have left are the things that were a part of him and trivial as many of those things may be, we will cherish them all and safe keep them until our deaths.
Addendum dec. 29th
Mary kays sister Teresa showed up today to help out in anyway she could. There is really nothing she can do but her presence warms me on a day when I have been more anxious than at almost any time in the past few days. I know exactly why I am this way but I am so fearful and scared today that I don’t even want to put it to words. I told teresa about it in a moment of weakness earlier today but am trying to put it from my mind.
Teresa watched caranne both for the rosary and the funeral and as such I don’t believe she has had time to grieve for Christopher either. Both her and caranne are in the same situation; grieving but not because of the fact that they both have missed the hardest physical parts of these weeks. I don’t mean to trivialize their situation and make is sound like I have been through so much more than they. Its just that we have had the ability to “ do the deed” so to speak and they have not. I hope somehow that teresa and josie can make the journey together and in some way, help each other make it through the storm that is surely to come for both of them. Teresa loved my son as her own and I know her anguish is genuine and deep. Her love for her sister is also deep and it pains her I can tell, to see kay this way. They all feel for her but there is really nothing they can do and that fact alone, makes it even harder for them to watch us this way.
Dec. 30
I didn’t write this down yesterday but it was the worst day I have had yet I think since……. Anyway, I had really allowed myself to get very worked up weds. After talking to the salvage yard where the “R” sits. I t hadn’t really dawned on me until that conversation with the manager there that there might be some personal belongings of chris’ there still in the car. Somehow I guess I just thought that all of that had been taken care of and that I would not have to really consider the car situation any further. The insurance company would send out an adjuster to look at it, they had already sent me a letter about that and I was mostly resigned to just letting that be the end of it. But yesterday while talking to Kelly there at the lot, she mentioned in passing while telling me how the protocols usually work that sometimes owners of the cars will come in to make sure that nothing is left of a personal nature before the car is scrapped or sold.
At that point I began thinking of whether or not I could go there and take a close look at the car and retrieve any of my sons belongings. That grew into an intense anxiety and guilt about how I should have enough strength to go there and make sure nothing of sentimental value was sent off never to be seen again. I couldn’t bare to think that we might let some small part of my sons life be carted off by some salvage yard only to be thrown away as they tried to salvage some usable pieces of his car.
Its going on the second day of this and I still cannot put it from my mind. God I surely can go there and look at that but then again I am really not sure that I can. What good would it do to stand there and imagine worse than I have already imagined?? Maybe its some macho thing that makes me feel like I should get down there and take care of this matter. The problem is, I really don’t have a lot of time to dwell on the subject. At some point, the insurance company will have their work done and at that time once they have settled with us on the car, I’m sure they will make what ever arrangements they do to get rid of it.
So I am really in a bind emotionally. I could always, send one of my trusted friends down to look thru the car for me; Cody immediately comes to mind as does John or my ole buddy down south. But I would feel like such a coward if it had them do what I cannot. I really need some direction and objective thinking on this matter and have to get my head straight as soon as possible.
And then there is one other option, one which I briefly thought of the other night long before I had even considered the personal effects issue. IT came to me as I was just thinking of things that might comfort us down the road a bit. At first the thought came and I was really appalled at the fact that I had even considered it. And now weighing the idea of going down to retrieve chris’ belongings, the idea has gained more legitimacy with me. What if I just settled with the insurance company with the contingent plan that we would just keep the car???
God could I do that. Could I actually continue to own the vehicle he died in?? I must be fucking crazy and I know rational thought has not been a constant these last 2 weeks. Maybe I could get someone to pick up the car and store it indefinitely until such time as we were thinking clearly about everything. Maybe I am not thinking clearly at all and that’s why this idea has even sprouted in my mind. I know if I asked Cody, he would store it for me out at the farm, away from curious eyes. But I also know that is a request not to be made lightly and putting someone in the position of telling you yes to something they would really rather not do but in our condition, they feel compelled to agree is very wrong and selfish. I don’t know. I plan to ask Dr. Bernard about it and see what an objective trained mind says.
Dec.31
Christopher, today is two weeks since your horrible accident. Tonight will be hard and I cannot know what will happen or how I will feel. Your mother is visiting you as I write this and I went earlier this afternoon. I stopped off at tanners for the first time in weeks to get some thing to eat for both your mother and i. bruce came and had a beer with me while we waited for the food to show up. I worked in the yard again today to get caught up on all the leaves that fall and winter pile up. I hate the work, always have but its giving me something to do and after about 30min. of doing it, I want to quit. I make myself keep going though thinking somehow it matters. I don’t plan on repeating that chore again until the spring.
I cannot even think that far ahead. The days and hours drag by and one day melts into the next. Tonite is new years eve and josie is having some friends over to keep her company. I would say celebrate but I don’t believe that she is celebrating anything or really is commemorating the new year. She is simply having some company to ease her mind and make her more comfortable.
Mike and Carrie came by earlier and dropped off some items that I had asked them to get. Here in lies a story that I am ashamed to tell you but must because of the nature of what they dropped off.
Son, I had to have them go to the salvage yard today to retrieve any personal belongings of yours that may have been left in the car. I had thought all of that had been taken care of but after taking to the manager of the yard the other day, I realized that there in fact may be more of your things there. Son, I should have had the courage and fortitude to go there my self and get those thing but honestly, I could not . I have beaten myself up about it for 2 days and it has left me feeling sick and drained. I finally broached the subject with your uncle mike last nite and naturally , he assured me that there was no reason to feel cowardly or badly about not being able to go there. I really wanted to in my heart but son, I couldn’t find the courage.
I called your cousin Michael this morning and he readily accepted the task as he has since this tragedy started. I asked your mom about it later and surprisingly she immediately thought someone else should go so I was mercifully, let off the hook. I feel better that the task has been taken care of but now what remains of your things is in the garage and it will be another painful moment when we go thru them and see what else you have left behind of your too short , wonderful life. Dear god, we need your help. Please look over us and help us make it thru another day. We are in such despair………………..
Jan. 1st 2005
What a way to start a new year. I didn’t sleep well last night and since it was new years eve, I tried to stay up till midnite and unfortunately, passed my point of feeling so sleepy and then couldn’t fall asleep. It’s a good thing though, Kay fell asleep early next to me. It’s the first time in two weeks that we shared the same bed. Caranne had company to bring in the new year so we took her down to the basement level to entertain them. Kay and I stayed in our bedroom watching tv, laying next to each other. I think she fell asleep because it was Friday nite , exactly 2 weeks since and I think she was dreading the impending hour commemorating chris’ passing.
There is so much to say and I cant imagine how I will ever fit it all in. all the thoughts, dreams, fears and questions that fill our heads most waking hours. There is so much to do both from a emotional standpoint and a practical, carrying on with life standpoint. Normally a list person, I cannot even summon the energy to get one started. It would be so massive that I think it may discourage me from attempting a start. So for now, I am focusing on the immediate chores that are required to get through a day and along with those chores, I try to add a little extra chore, one that is not necessarily pressing but important none the less.
For some reason, organization has become a major focus for both kay and i. I think it must be some way to deal with having no control over anything lately so the mind makes you see all the little things you had been putting off and focusing on getting some of those things done. I cleaned caranne’s room from top to bottom a few days ago and did the same with her bathroom as I knew I would be using it for some time to come and couldn’t stand the way it looked.
The cedar closet is next and if I have the energy I will start that on Sunday; moving all the things out of there that have sat for some time, years in some cases. Much if it is useless stuff , flotsam and jetsom of years of living and having kids in the same house. Clothes, brik brak, old computers, old blankets and pillows, old school projects. Just about anything you can think of. Some things may be mementos but not very likely. Anything like that is either in chris’s room or some hall closet or drawer.
We have never been much on organizing pictures and keepsakes. We have them and in most cases, Kay knows where they are but they are in no organized fashion. We have time that much is certain. Many days, painful days will be filled with collecting and sorting thru the years worth of my son’s short life; trying to find some path or blueprint in an attempt to put into order all the belongings and memorabilia he leaves behind. We have to do it, we have no choice. If we truly want to hold on to what is left and have it mean something, we must wade though all of it.
Mon. jan.3rd
I wake up this morning with the same anxious gnawing in the pit of my stomach that I have come to know all too well. I have decided to try to go back to work today for a few hours and help john. I had also decided last week that I would call the officer in charge of the accident and finalize anything with him. I know I have to do this, find out what really happened that night and I also know that is why I am feeling sickly this morning. I was going to go run when I got up at 6:30 but its 32 deg. And rainy and I don’t really have the mental energy to make myself go out into the cold morning.
Today I will know at least from the police’s perspective, what happened that Friday night and I cant imagine I will feel any better after talking with him. This will be a hard day for me and I will have to sit with what I know until such time as Kay is strong enough mentally to hear it. I know most I think thru Schu, my brother in law ,as he had kept in contact with the guy previously and he gave me a general briefing one day on the way to the funeral home.
What I don’t know and never will are things no one but God and maybe Caranne know: did my son suffer, was he at all conscious at any point after the accident , did any one that went to the car immediately after hear him or see him move. I also have to ask him about caranne and her condition immediately after. Kay wants to know all the particulars about her condition before and on the way to KU. We haven’t talked to anyone about those critical minutes and she wants to understand what happened and who was in contact with her.
The cats know things are not right. They are so perceptive and intuitive. They have been sulking for fully 2 weeks now, they too seem to be susceptible to the general mood in the house and have spent most days sleeping, more than usual and when awake, they seem to have no energy. Many times they will jump up on the bed or couch and just sit with you for a time, seemingly empathetic to our pain and suffering.
Shadow, the big male tabby has always been affectionate. Although known by most of Kay’s family as the “mean cat”, he is in reality as gentle and loving as Chris was. He was given to Caranne as a birthday gift but as he got older, he and Chris developed a special relationship. When chris would get those wicked headaches that would fell him occasionally, Shadow would spend the entire time laying with him until he got better. This was no odd quirk, this happened every single time! Bonds between animals and humans are well documented and this was no exception and was well understood by all in this family.
Christopher was also the one who nicknamed both cats. He was always nicknaming something, be it animal or object or person. He had quite a flair for coming up with appropriate, descriptive names that always seemed to stick and feel comfortable rolling off the tongue. Mary Kay always sounded funny using some of them and I would chuckle when she would use one rather awkwardly.
Shadow had been dubbed “Sad Man” by chris, a play on “Shad-man” which is what I would call him. I so miss his voice walking into the kitchen and bending over, rubbing Shadow, addressing him in such a playful, light voice to which Shadow would roll over and present his belly for Chris to rub.
“THE POOTER”!!!! That was always Chris’s exclamation when walking into the room when Cairo, our fat female torty was sitting or laying. I think the nickname came from the fact that one day she came out of the litter box and the stench was atrocious and he stated that she had “nuked” the room and somehow the term “pooting” was synonomous with her daily litterbox visits.
Jan 5 , 2005
The weather is really crappy as freezing rain and snow have pelted the area for a day. We had to take caranne to see dr. marty for the first time since her hospital stay and getting there was no fun having to manuveur caranne around in the snow and ice. They talked for almost an hour and afterwards dr. marty took us into the office to let us know how she felt caranne was holding up. Apparently better than her folks as the dr. feels she is grieving normally and that in time, she thinks 2 to 3 weeks, caranne will start to remember the actual day the accident occurred and the event surrounding it. She doesn’t say she will remember everything, just that it appears that she is now making some small connections and that with time, things will start becoming clearer to her has her mind allows her psyche to process the information that is stored within her.
I fear that day and always have and almost mostly for entirely selfish reasons. I cannot bear to hear the details of that night, what was said , what was done, what her and Chris did leading up to the accident. I am in so much pain now that actually knowing what happened will bring me no relief or comfort at all. I know this as I also know her and Mary Kay DO want to know and have to know. I do not. The wound is open and raw and anything else will only make it worse not better.
Dr. marty also believes we need to give caranne a little more space, away from us always checking up on her and her well being. I know the dr. is very impressed with carannes intellect and strength as most people are that get to know her. That’s why she scares some people that like to pidgin hole young teens as all being scatter brained and goofy and without much depth. Unfortunately, the visit to the therapist only confirms what kay and I already know: which is that we are in for a long bumpy emotional ride with very little relief in sight. Are lives are so fucked up right now and they will not get better for a long time, if ever.
Tomorrow is mary kay’s birthday. Hows that for topping off your holiday season? We will not celebrate, we will not enjoy it, we will not even give it much pause. We will only think of our son , our loss and the way our lives have been once again., redirected.
Jan.6
Well today is my wife’s birthday and as expected , it has passed virtually unnoticed, without fanfare or joy, only a perfunctory “ Happy Birthday”. We did however, get to go see Chris again together for only perhaps the 3rd time since his death. Ryan, Caranne’s friend was at the house visiting and we took the opportunity to make a fast dash before he left for work.
I feel bad now that I have gone with Kay because for some reason I am more emotional when I am with her then when I go alone. I know I interrupted her routine which is to pray the rosary while I go generally and talk to Chris directly and also to simultaneously curse and pray to God. The last two days have been very emotional for me and I cant really put my finger on the reasons. I know I have been slowly trying to get back into some work issues and that combined with several futile attempts to get my drivers license renewed has taken its toll on my nerves. the mundane life issues that have to be taken care of are immensely more difficult at this time as the effort expended seems contrary to the results achieved.
I also talked to Cody today about the possibility of taking the “R” to the farm should I somehow decide to keep it. It is still somewhat on my mind as I still have to talk to the adjuster about the disposition of the insurance matters. I am not fretting about this subject only contemplating my options. As I had hoped, Cody is all too willing to grant me this favor should I decide to keep the car and it would be far away from prying eyes and safe for whatever fate we should decide befits it.
The weather is horrible still and so cold and for some reason , evenings approach with its dark cloudy veil makes me melancholy. Had this event befell us during a more accommodating season, I somehow feel it would be easier to manage. Although that notion is ludicrous, at this time and at this place in our fucked up lives, the thinking somehow seems reasonable and reassuring.
I still fear so much to come and so much pain to bear . there will be no relief and no solace. There will be no happiness and no quarter. There will be no warming breeze on my face or in our hearts. Life with its hard learned lessons will only mete us despair and anguish and God in his infinite wisdom will allow us no heart rendering reprieve from our son’s death. How can a person recover from this kind of tragedy with his faith in God intact. I know at least for now, I will not . I so long for the days of the South Pacific; morning boat rides to the reef and the refreshing morning plunge into the crystal clear waters at a time when my life was so simple and exciting and thoughts of kids and family were a lifetime away.
Jan7th
Bruce came over last nite with a couple bottles of wine to celebrate mary kay’s birthday. I think she needed the diversion and I know bruce needed to see us and be with us. I know how helpless many in our “inner circle” feel and how much they long to help us thru this tragedy but there is really nothing to be done for us. Sometimes the company helps for a short time as it did last nite, but after a few hours, all the dreadful feelings come roaring back with a vengeance as though angry we would try for even a short time, to distance ourselves from them a get a small reprieve.
Kay and bruce both drank too much wine and other things and she crashed about 9 pm, walking into the kitchen after checking on caranne and announcing she was “done for the night”. Bruce stayed for another 30 mins or so and tried to console me as the alcohol for me acts as a depressant. I worried after he left that he would make it home okey.
Today has been 3 weeks since chris’ death and it will be a bad day that much is sure. Tonight we will finalize our understanding of what happened 3 weeks ago as Officer Sutterby will come by about 7pm and brief us on what they understand occurred that night. I fear hearing the details but I mostly know thru Schu what they think happened, only the small details will be filled in and those could be the worst to hear. I am not as afraid of hearing as I was a week ago and I don’t know if that’s caused by the passage of time or whether its my finally realizing I really need to understand so that I can better put some of this anguish and fear in its proper place in my mind and heart.
I fear so much that Chris suffered that night and that he might have understood that he was going to die. Mary kay says that chris feared death as I DID, and if that is so, I cannot bear to think that my son saw death coming and was afraid. My hope is that things happened so fast and that it was over so quickly that he would barely have had time to fully understand the event unfolding in front of him. I need to know that my “buggy” didn’t suffer any pain and that if it is as they say, you see yourself hovering over your own death, that he was at that point, relieved of any earthly fears and pains and that he was already on his way to see God and the others that might be waiting for him.
Chris,
Oh buggy I miss you so much. My heart is so full of pain and I cant figure out how to stop it or how to make this somehow better and easier to bear. I need you so much to help me though this so that I may have the strength to carry your sister and mother on my shoulders . how can I find the energy necessary in my condition and how can I carry this burden God has put upon us. I don’t know son, I just don’t know. Answers are not coming easily and time is dragging on so slowly. how will I ever put your death behind me? I love you so much son. Please take care of us. Dad
Jan 9th
Well the weekend is almost over and it has been as expected, a very emotional, bumpy time. We made it though the session with the officer on Friday nite and I have no energy to retell in detail the story at this time. I will in the future make everyone aware of the facts as they are known. Please know this, those of you that read this journal, it is our belief that Chris did what was necessary to save his sister, and in those final few seconds, gave of himself so that caranne would live. I will go to my grave with that belief as will Kay and we will never blame him for that night.
We have decided I believe, to keep the car in our possession. I finalized the insurance situation on Friday afternoon and it really is the only way to go at this point. Just from a practical monetary consideration, we would be foolish to let the car go to some salvage yard. I cannot bear to allow that car to be dragged off by someone interested only in plucking the few remaining marketable parts. I don’t believe chris would want that either and the fact that it was the instrument of his death makes the decision even harder, but I really think it’s the logical thing to do.
Cindy and Sheri came up from Salina today and it was so good to see them. Cindy especially has been a rock for us and a safe shelter for our emotions and hugging her felt so good and her voice was soothing and reassuring. She has come to know more of our lives though the many visits she has made and her easy nature allows Chris’ friends to be comforted by her as she has gotten to know them. She also has given me an open heart and I have been warmed by her genuine concern. I feel that she more than any other family member, save teresa, understands how we are feeling and how best to help. She loved Christopher like a son and his death has rocked her deeply. That alone makes me feel selfish for leaning on her when she herself is grieving for him. She also needs comfort and I wish I had been more accommodating to her emotional needs instead of being so selfish. It is late and I am tired and much more happened today but I will save that for Monday when there is more time and I am more refreshed. Kay will go back to work for the first time Monday and that will be difficult for her. I will also get back to work Monday but since I have already tipped my toe into it last week, it will not be so much of a shock for me.
Jan10th A STORY
I had come to take comfort in the last few years, perhaps at Christopher’s 16th birthday, that I could now begin to hand off some of the tasks and chores fathers are historically called to do for the family. Mundane and bothersome though they may be, they were and are jobs expected of a man by his family. Be they weekly, monthly or yearly, they are just things fathers have to do and we do them with no malice or ill will and many we do gladly.
For me those chores included cutting the grass weekly, hauling firewood at the beginning and end of winter, washing some of the cars and vacuuming them, sweeping out the garage occasionally and other various tasks that just have to get done. Many of these chores I had passed to Christopher and it was a great relief that I could occasionally shirk my fatherly responsibility and know that my son would, in his usual happy manner, do the jobs gladly. It seemed like a natural progression of life and although I may be taking advantage of the situation on occasion, these hand offs were necessary for Chris to understand the nature of fatherhood and the weights that are a part of being a man. As was his nature, he accepted these tasks, not always willingly, but always respectfully and in the end, always with a smile on his face and a “No problem dad”, when thanked for a job well done.
My other main job at least once a year and usually twice was getting the pontoon boat from the marina at Beaver Lake in Arkansas. We have since I was about 23 or 24, made yearly trips to the lake during the summer. That didn’t change with the coming of children and it was always a part of their lives since they were young. Chris had come to love the trips, looking forward to the warm clear water and the day on the boat, puttering around the lake, stopping frequently to let the kids jump off the boat in the middle of nowhere.
For me, these trips though fun, were also a great time of concern and anxiety as is my nature, as myriad thoughts of sinking and drowning would fill my head and every conceivable disaster would keep me from fully enjoying the day. I kept these thoughts generally to myself, but would on occasion, stop the kids from doing some particular thing and lament to Kay that she was letting them go too far or be too reckless. This was especially true of Christopher. Always a daredevil since his early years, he would push the envelope, always looking for new thrills and stunts to perform.
Good God, that kid made me a nervous wreck sometimes. But he had taken over the chore of driving the boat and that was to me, one of the greatest gifts he could give. Countless hours were spent behind the wheel of that boat over the years and handing the duties of manning and directing our day on the water over to my son, was truly a turning point in our father /son relationship. It allowed me finally, to sit back and enjoy the day and the sun, actually looking at the landmarks that I had driven by so many times and taking in the warm sun and the warmest of feelings coming from my happy family.
He for his part, relished the freedom to take us were he desired without interference from his father. Sitting back in the captains chair with his foot hanging over the edge of the boat, my old diving visor pulled tight over his brow, munching a turkey sandwich, he looked the most perfect of young men, in the prime of his life, a perfect example of God’s work.
Something else had changed over the last few trips to the lake too. I had since his early childhood, made sure he was never afraid of the water, although in reality, I more guided him as water was never a fear of his. As experienced SCUBA divers both he and I, we had worked many hours on breath holding techniques, relaxation during free diving and had always competed at diving as deep as we could and staying underwater as long as possible. I taught him all these things over many years of ocean diving and lake diving and it had become somewhat of a ritual that on our trips to Beaver Lake, we would head over to the cliffs, an area of the lake with smooth rocky flat shoreline where the water dropped off steeply. There we would anchor the boat and spend the afternoon swimming, sometimes SCUBA diving, but mostly just playing in the water and free diving, looking for clams to feed the fish.
It was at that time that I also passed quite unintentionally, the mantle and torch of youth and enthusiasm to a son in the prime physicality of manhood. The limitations of a middle aged father, no longer able to keep pace with his son were made painfully clear to both of us one day at the cliffs and to this day I cannot get the look of his face out of my mind as he, for the first time in his life, realized he had surpassed his father in ability physically.
While free diving that day on the cliffs, Chris had been in the water for some time as I lounged on the boat, eating and relaxing. As was our tradition, he chided me into the water for some exploration under the waves. I hadn’t taken any of my asthma medication that day and thought nothing of it. After many free dives down to about 15 ft or so, Chris decided we needed to go deeper and swam out over an underwater ridge where the water is about 25 to 30 ft deep. We had dove that ridge many times on SCUBA and had perhaps even free dived it but today Chris was intent on us both diving to the bottom.
It never occurred to me that I may not be able to do it. I had dove much deeper than that before and my son too would expect the ole man could do it again. Well he went down, fish that he was, gliding effortlessly in the manner I had taught him. I followed and as I hit the thermocline at about 20 ft., the sudden temperature change chilled my skin and still I went down to meet him, his shape at the bottom murky and shadowy. As I met him
at the bottom of the lake, he as always had a huge smile plastered all over his handsome face and it was then I realized I was out of breath!
Never one to panic underwater, I simply straightened and headed back to the surface, feeling the water temperature gradually rise with each foot of depth passed. Once at the surface I gulped deeply, filling my aching lungs with needed air. Christopher surfaced next to me and with a concerned, worried and more importantly, astonished look I will never forget, asked urgently, “ Are you okey”? “Yes”, I assured him, I was fine.
I wasn’t fine though. In that unmistakable life changing moment, I realized as did he, that things had changed and would never be the same again. A son had experienced and understood that for the first time in his life, he had in some way surpassed his father’s abilities and that he as son, was now on more equal footing with the man he had admired and respected. And as the day went on and I brooded and felt ashamed that I was not able to keep pace with him, I was also again comforted in the thought that he, now in his prime physically, was ready and able to accept more responsibility and more mental challenges that life was surely going to gift him. My son was becoming a man and I thought about all the things that awaited him secure in the knowledge that he would meet those life events with courage and honor.
My Son,
Today we take your sister to the doctor for her first check up since she left the hospital. Your mother and I are both very nervous about this as it could mean many things. Some good, but mostly, many bad. I choose to try to be positive as you would were you here, but I have been trained to expect the worst and its hard to get into a positive mindset right now. Hopefully, she will be okey and they will tell us her fractures are healing properly and then give us a timeframe which will let us know how much longer she will be wheelchair bound and when she can start rehabbing to start learning to walk again.
They could on the other hand, tell us she is not healing properly and that the fractures are still not where they should be and that more surgery is needed to further correct the problems remaining. If that happens, it will surely devastate all of us and make any progress we have made to this point, moot.
With any luck, of which we have had none, we may get some good news and she will be on her way to a much more speedy recovery than expected. It has been a very rocky four or five days and I am shot mentally and emotionally. I have been working hard on your website and that is so draining but I have to press on and keep your memory alive and let people see the person you were and how much we miss you.
All your friends were over here on the weekend and that was both good and bad for us. We were so happy to see them all and for a short while their company is heartwarming and comforting, but too long and it becomes painful and they then become a reminder of how much we miss you not being in their midst . I believe they are all still fumbling , looking for a way to make sense of what has happened and they look to us when all else fails for answers and emotional support of which we are in short supply on.
We are trying son to take care of them but we are hurting so much ourselves, yet we feel guilty for even considering turning then away from our door. I believe Nathan and Julie are still having a very difficult time dealing with your death, both in pain and unsure how to continue or in which direction to go. Nathan is going to go back to Kstate and Julie is still trying to get relocated to KU but having difficulty getting all the things in order.
Nick is considering coming closer to home and was going to talk to his parents about it. He has asked your Aunt Cindy what he should do and she told him to just talk to his parents and let them know how he feels. I cannot believe they would want him to be so far from home if he really didn’t want to be there. Devin is going back to KU also and seems to be doing ok. I wonder about him frankly as I know him the least of all your friends and my suspicious nature makes me just a little leery as bad as that sounds. I have no malice toward him only a need to understand his place in all of this and his place in your heart and more importantly, YOUR place in his heart. He is struggling too I am sure but I just don’t know him very well.
All of your inner circle of friends will always be welcome in this house as they always were and we will continue to treat them as our own and help them in anyway we can given the constraints we are working under. Hopefully they will understand our situation and allow us to grieve for you without burdening us needlessly. To some degree, we all have to find our own way in this horrible situation and they will have to work through many of their emotional needs with their own family and friends. We can only offer so much before we too are used up and spent.
It’s been a horrible day so far, too full of painful memories and realizations that life is marching on even though we are in a permanent holding pattern. Both your mom and I woke up feeling depressed and sitting at the kitchen counter early this morning brought waves of grief upon both of us as we contemplated taking caranne to the doctor for her first check up since the surgery.
We both had feared the visit as its possible the corrections done might not be enough and Dr. Horton would tell us she needed more surgery thus extending her convalescence and eliminating her current progress to this date. Well as I write this we now know she is ok and on track to start using her legs just a little and then in 4 weeks or so, to start the walking process. We should be happy as hell but we are as low as we have been for many reasons.
Nathan stopped by before we left for the appointment and wanted to give josie a cd before he went back to school. The thought of the guys heading back to school crushed both your mother and I as the realization that you would be doing the same thing hit us viciously and hard. One more reminder that you are gone and life marches on as we sit on the sidelines. Hugging Nathan before he left felt familiar and again the thoughts of hugging you my son brought tears to my eyes and I could barely say anything to him.
After he left, your mother stood at the front door and sobbed deeply and I could do little for her. I have been too emotional these last few days, the tears coming easily and often, my tolerance of memories ……..
Jan12
The above entry was interrupted by Kay’s sudden and emotional entry into the spare bedroom where I have been working. She had been to visit Christopher and was very upset at the packet of pictures that Julie, Chris’ girlfriend had left at the vault. I understand as I too looked at them and was immediately wrenched into a crying jag that would not stop. There were the most immediate and painful pictures of Chris and friends at school taken within the last few weeks. I posted those painful pics today on the website and asked Chris for strength to do so. I believe he is helping me get through this as he weathered many storms, with that million dollar smile and his love of life. I hope that somehow, I will be able to take just a little of his character and perseverance and use it to guide my family to a better day. It seems so far away but we have no other choice but to continue as best we can.
Another brutal reminder of what we have lost in real time. Those pictures, so fresh and alive, were the cap to a horrible five day span starting last Friday and culminating with the end of a physically draining Tuesday evening. To those of you who have read these pages and believe that this journal has become nothing more than a self indulgent pity party, well I guess I would say, “ guilty as charged”. And for those of you who have reveled in the Camarena family disaster, and there are a few, well known to us, then I would say, “enjoy the show”.
Interesting how people that through past interaction will feel compelled and entitled, to interject themselves into your life at a time like this. We have had our share since the second night at the IC unit at KU Med. People that turned their backs on you when wrongs were being done, blatantly and maliciously, yet so caring and concerned , now when curiosity is so high, they cannot contain themselves and will go to any length to find out what they can and see you at your worst , all the while, feigning consolation. If I have any anger, it is for those people that profess to be friends, caring and concerned, yet so anxious to see your pain, that they cannot hide their true selves or motives. I will leave that as it is.
We have for years had a very small circle of friends. Our true friends are people that know us and our family well, know our kids truly, care about our well being and we of them. Those people have been the first to help us through this crisis, to be there but not be there if that makes sense. To offer true compassion, a helping hand when needed, a shoulder to cry on, and to allow us the space to grieve yet make it known that they are here for us. The true friends don’t interject themselves into a horrible situation feigning concern for you or your family. They stand back and quietly ask “ What can I do to be of help”? They have no motives ulterior or otherwise, only to try as best they can, to sooth us and help us when the need arises.
Teresa is here today and as always she warms me and brings me a little hope, that things will get better. Today I realized I had been very selfish with one indispensable person. Someone who has stayed in the shadows doing what was expected of him with never an expectation of thanks or praise. Some one who probably knows me and my quirks better than anyone on this planet; some one who has known Chris since he was 5 years old and watched him grow and mature; someone who truly understands what is happening and truly means to stay in the shadows until called on and truly means it when he says, “ I’ll be here when you need me”.
That person is John Musgrave. Someone unknown to most of my friends but known to some degree by most of my family, though most have not met him personally. He is my coworker, my employee, my confidant. Someone I have confided in over the years about intensely personal issues. Someone I have complete trust in and confidence when discussing any issue. Someone, who by his own design, is like the “Men In Black”, a mirage, a shadow, a person easily dismissed as déjà vu. But one of the most standup, ethical people I have ever known,
And today I realized I had completely forgotten his pain and suffering at my son’s passing. I committed the cardinal sin of neglecting someone who through this whole event, has had nothing but my best interest at heart. He has protected me from the curious and insensitive and filled in where needed. He has kept my business running and carried the entire work load without complaint.
I had completely forgotten his emotional needs until this morning when I asked if he had seen the website for Chris. It was then that my revelation took place when he sheepishly said he had looked at it briefly but was waiting until he had time to look more closely and then planned to place an entry into the guestbook. I felt so bad at having completely missed his feelings in this matter and that I had been so selfish and callous.
Today I will email him and ask that he put an entry not into the guestbook, but to write a short piece that I can put into the friends section of the website. He knows my family too well to be tied to such a limited venue for expressing his feelings. Hopefully he can forgive me for my oversight and gross neglect.
Jan, 13th
Chris, I can tell that today will be an emotional day for me. I now know the feeling that comes on all to well. A lump in the throat, queasiness in the stomach and the dreadful grieve that envelopes you completely in a moment. I am trying to work this morning as John has lots of orders that have to go out and he has been doing this by himself since you left. I don’t really want to do it but I have obligations and you know about those all to well. How many times did I drum into your head about responsibility and learning how to go about doing tasks that you know just have to be done.
I posted all the pics that Julie gave your mom yesterday and I did it without shedding one tear which is why I am the way I am today. The grief never lets you miss a day and what I am finding is it will make you make up for the day before! IT is relentless in its punishment of our emotions and it exacts what it desires without asking.
The pictures are so hard to look at because you were obviously having such a good time when they were taken and it shows the life you were leading and the way you were interacting with all your friends at Kstate. It will be hard for a long time to even think about those short days you spent there. When your mom and I do contemplate those months it only makes us sadder and more despondant. SO many unrealized dreams and aspirations that will never be, so many deeds left undone, so many goals, high and lofty, never to be reached. How God could have taken you from us is beyond my imagination and frankly I can’t even consider that he is here watching or helping.
The website is coming along well I think. I have much left to do and it is very hard emotionally to sit down and go through the pages, changing things, adding text etc. I wish more people would take a look at it but we really haven’t told too many people about it but it has gotten lots of hits, mostly from your friends I’m sure. The administrative portion of the site allows me to see when people are going to it, what time they are logging on and all the other technical issues involved, many of which I don’t understand.
Son, how I miss you. My heart is hurting so badly and I can’t imagine it will ever get better. Our lives are so messed up now and I worry so about your sister and mother. Caranne is holding so much in her, so much that we don’t know about. She is grieving the doctor says, normally, but I really wonder if that’s true. One thing about caranne, she is very stoic and quiet and she is so strong emotionally that no one will ever really know what she’s thinking unless she tells you. Your mother is in more pain than anyone, including me, can imagine. She feels so guilty about so many things, and all of those things are unjustified. She bears no guilt and I wish I could make her see that.
Dear Christopher,
Today is the 30th day since your death and I felt it coming all week, anticipating the mark on the calendar. I still can scarcely believe it is true. I think I have been going backwards in regards to my mourning. Somewhere along the way I have mixed up the progression of how this is supposed to work. I went to work this morning but it was very hard as I really had no interest in doing so. Your mom has been working from home all day, on the phone and on the laptop, hammering out work details with her usual efficiency it would seem.
I have been thinking about so many things since last nite, all the undone adventures and plans I had been thinking about. Some I had discussed with you and some were merely musings I would have during daydreams about the future and how things might be handled in the future. These are in no particular order nor are they ranked in importance; they are just things I had been contemplating before all this happened.
One day I was thinking and I told your mom that if all stayed on track financially over the years and through our retirement, and if all our investments panned out as planned, that you and caranne would at our deaths, get quite a windfall with all our property and what ever was left of our portfolio. I thought about how you would end up with my prized dive watch and all the electronic equipment and that neither of you would really want for much.
I also thought about how I would hand my old diving visor over to you in a kind of ceremonial to the end of my diving days. I know that visor meant a lot to you esp. when I would let you wear it. It has been with me on many overseas campaigns and adventures, well before your birth and I was proud that I had kept it all these years and that it was still serviceable. I wish now I had thought to send it with you.
I had been thinking of all the adventures you had talked about in regards to going overseas during your summer breaks from school and how you were looking forward to visiting all these wonderful faraway places. I know you thought you had to impress me with your ability to leave home and do all these things and I know you felt that way because I had done the same before you kids were born. You didn’t have to. I was always proud of you and your accomplishments and you didn’t need to prove anything to me except that you had grown to understand responsibility and duty, and you showed me that on many occasions.
Everyday I walk past your freshman Rockhurst picture and you look so young compared to your senior pic. You grew up so fast and so dramatically over those 4 years there and I wish I had realized how much that time had meant to you. It wasn’t until the thanksgiving vacation that I understood how important those 4 years of high school were to you and how much fun you had while there. I certainly know now how many friends you had and how all of them thought so much of you. I can see now why the adjustment to college life was taking some getting used to. I know you would have figured it out and found your comfort level and that in your second semester you would find your pace.
Oh buggy, I wish I had had time to tell you all the things I had planned to. SO much we hadn’t talked about and so much more there was for both of us to learn about each other. Now all of that is inconsequential . I knew that keeping up with you was going to get harder as I got older but I was willing to try so that you wouldn’t think I couldn’t do it and be disappointed in me.
I think I may dive again but it will not be this year and when I do it will be so lonely going out on the boat on a perfect summer day without you by my side. Those days son, were the happiest of my life. To have you share the ocean experiences we did together, the sharks, the six foot barracuda, the enormous manta rays, the dolphins , the hard dives in heavy current, the cold dives, the night dives you loved so damn much!!!! All those things are now finished and over as are so many other things I have not considered or have no emotional energy to contemplate.
This day will be long and it will be lonely and hard to endure. But we will because we have been given no choice. We will mourn you today and think of you and we will cry. We will think of all the wonderful things we will lose with you gone and we will cry. We will miss all your stories, all your tall tales, all your bright smiles. We will miss your “ I love you’s” and your “ What’s up padre”? We will miss a lifetime of you being with us, making us proud, making us happy, making our lives so complete and fulfilling…….. and we will cry. I miss you so much my son, I hope you will look over us. Love, Dad
Jan. 15th
Its Saturday evening and I am watching the fire downstairs as Kay and I and cindy, her sister, watch the NFL playoffs. We have made it another week without our son and I have been daydreaming about how simple life was years ago when kay and I were first married and we had no one to be accountable to but ourselves and our whims. Evenings like this have been commonplace and comforting during our lives like they have been for so many families. I wonder if those families who sit at home now, safe and secure, realize how close they are to disaster. We certainly didn’t and when we hear from another family with kids the same age as Chris or families that knew him personally, we are somehow envious and jealous that in the gamble of life that we all play, …….. we have lost.
Today we made the front study room into a bedroom for caranne, so that she will be able to sleep by herself and have a little privacy. We used several things of Chris’ that we had brought back from school when moving him out of the dorm, his tv, his new futon and a couple of other things. I felt so betraying in using them, feeling those things should be sacred and undisturbed. Caranne came in and looked at what we had done and then just rolled out of the room, saying nothing. Kay thinks she realized what we had used and needed time to adjust to the thought of what we had done.
Kay and I went to see Chris late in the afternoon and as usual, it was very emotional and difficult. Looking at his beautiful face and smile in the pictures there, I can scarcely believe that we are in this position, that are lives are so messed up and that we are tiptoeing over a canyon that we could easily fall into, never to be heard from again. I fear more now , 30 days later, than I did before, but my clarity of thought is better now and I can see all the pitfalls that lie ahead, ready to consume us. We are by no means in the clear concerning any possible disaster and I wonder if anyone that knows us, realizes how close we are to a complete tragic ending.
I do realize the implications of this situation and I am quite helpless to change whatever course God has in store for us. I realize now that we will not get any help from God and that what is to come will not be changed by all the praying in the world. It will occur as he demands and we are helpless to stop it. I can only do the best I can to save this family and to hope I have enough strength and commitment and emotional fortitude, to do all I can to keep us from falling.
Jan.16th
It is Sunday and the house is quiet. Cindy left early this morning. She was different somehow this trip, quieter, more distant than the previous weekend. Sometimes this house is too painful and I can see how some may have difficulty just being here with the general mood that prevails. I think it was easier for her last weekend when there was a lot of commotion and lots of people here. This weekend no one has come to visit and it may have been too intense for her to handle. We all drank too much on Saturday and had some pizza for dinner Her and kay fell asleep about 9 pm on the couch as we watched football with a roaring fire keeping us warm.
I thought of how Chris and mary kay would curl up by the fire and she would rub his back gently. He loved for her to do that and she loved the close connection they had at those times. All these memories are as vivid as the pain in my heart and reminiscing about times like that make me so damn sad. I also thought of the day Chris came out of surgery after busting his ankle so badly skateboarding. He was wrapped up in lots of blankets when we went to see him in the recovery room, shivering even with them, only his face showing. Even still he smiled that smile and assured us he was ok.
At least today is sunny for the first time in many days and although that doesn’t make me feel any better, at least it brightens the house and fills with rooms with sparkling sunlight. I feel compelled to call the Restivo family today but am unsure why or what I would say to them. We are now in an elite fraternity and maybe those of us who are, tending to seek others like us out for comfort or solace. Kay told me that Jack Karsten had sent her an email earlier in the week , he too another brother of the forsaken and damned. He lost his son many years ago in a freak accident when the boy was young, perhaps 7 or 8, I don’t recall the age.
She and Jack worked for some time together and when I would see him at work functions or at the office, I would always wonder how he was able to go on, knowing what I did about his tragedy. I couldn’t imagine how it would feel to lose a child and would always feel so bad for him even though I didn’t really know him. Now I know and what I would give to not and have this burden pass.
We got Caranne’s new room set up on Saturday and I finally got the tv in there after messing with the cable for a couple of hours only to find out it was the tv that was the problem. There is a lot to do today around the house, cleaning and moving some things in the garage but I don’t have any energy and for some reason all I can think about is what I’m going to eat later today, even though I am really not hungry.
I will go see Christopher later, a daily trip that I both dread and look forward to. I was thinking the other day as I left him that this was now to be a part of our new life, our newly fucked up life where every thing you do during the day is planned around going to see my son. I don’t feel it a obligation believe me, I was just thinking about how our lives would include that trip for as long as we live. I don’t plan to miss a day unless something would keep me from it, but right now I cannot think of anything that would happen that would keep me from being with him, talking to him and telling him how much I miss him. Our lives have changed completely and not for the better and there is absolutely nothing to make me believe that we will be given any relief from this tragedy but also I have every reason to believe that more tragedy will follow and I am helpless to stop it.
Jan 17th
It occurred to me as I sat in Chris’ room on this cold Monday morning, holding his yellow baseball cap, smelling it for any reminiscing scent, that he would forever be 18 years old to us. That in looking around his room, seeing all the things he leaves behind: his skateboarding videos, his racing car dvd’s, the empty liquer bottles that he was going to built something with, his video games, everything, that we will forever be stranded in this moment. He will never be older to us and we will never be able to envision him as such: moving on past college, starting a family, seeing him as an older man, none of those events will be known.
His friends will all go on with their lives. We will know them as older twenty somethings, we will know them in their thirties and forties. We will know what direction their lives take and what they accomplish. And to these friends he leaves behind, he too will forever be 18. They will hold in their memories the Chris they knew now at this point in time. He will not progress with them and when and if they come to visit, the shrine that will be his room, his legacy, will be held in the past, a snapshot if you will, of his moments here with us, in an arrested state of development. The thought of that hit me most viciously as I sat there and made me so sad.
It is so much different when someone older dies, one of our contemporaries, because those of us left behind do not have much time left here at that point in their passing. This is much different, harder, crueler, more difficult to take. HE will be left behind because they have so much of their lives left to live and the thought of that leaves me feeling very badly for Christopher. Many would say it is HE that is leaving us behind, and that it is us that should feel badly. But I don’t want my boy left behind while all his friends go on without him, having fun without him, having new exciting adventures without him, building new memories and tall tales to tell in their later years, all without him. But that will be the way life unfolds, it can be no other way and I will have to accept that fact and remember him as that happy 18 year old young man, so full of promise and hope, so gentle and friendly, so willing to give of himself to anyone who needed. Those will forever be my memories, stuck in the past, while friends pass him and us by.
Christopher,
Today is the 17th, one month since you left us and still now I cannot use the word for what happened to you easily. I have to admit I didn’t understand when I left for work this morning and your mother said, “ Today will be a hard day”. Because unlike her, I had been marking the time in increments of Fridays and for me, this day was 3 days ago. It makes little difference as the outcome is the same, you are not here with us and never will be again and the passage of time will do little to ease the hurt. Oh son, how I wish I would wake up from this bad dream and everything was as before. Reality however, slaps me cruelly every morning and roughly puts me to bed every evening.
I went to work today for the first time in the morning and the drive to the airport to pick up a shipment was quiet and long. Memories of you kept flashing in my mind, in no particular order, just a collage of images of the past, good times and bad, of which there are few thankfully. I will have what’s left of my life to relive those days and I feel no hurry to go back to those times. The memories will come to me easily and I will not have to conjure up or force any of them. My mind is filled with such great visions of you and your life and I will hold them all to my heart
Today they will take the “R” to Cody’s where it will be safe and sound, tucked away for safekeeping until we are ready to deal with it. But I know where it will be and I will feel better that I have such a good friend in Cody to do this favor for the both of us. I saw Tung last Friday at the warehouse and he and I cried together as I asked him not to be mad at you. Christopher, he is devastated and is so sad for you. He told me how special he knew you were when he first met you and how much he admired you for being such a good person and how much he enjoyed your company when you would go to his shop. He has a picture of you he found and I have a bigger graduation picture I will give him along with a small note of thanks for letting you hang around him, learning about cars.
Brandson showed up at the door late last night as your mom was getting josie ready for bed. I was already upstairs in bed when he came and I listened to what I could. I think he just finally had the courage and strength to come see us and it happened to be late. I don’t think he even realized the time. They are planning some memorial for you at some upcoming car show in Des Moines. As I get time and energy, I will send emails to all your male friends asking them to keep you in their hearts and also asking some of them to make a commitment to continue to see Caranne on a regular basis. For most of them the request will not be necessary as I think they are already planning on doing that.
Caranne will need “big brothers” and I want to be sure if they make the commitment to see her regularly, that they understand I will hold them to their promise to do so. They will have to pick up for you son and I fully expect them to honor and keep their word.
It is 10 pm Monday night and I just got off the phone with Cody. The last of the painful tasks is done and the “R” was safely delivered to Cody’s place at about 7:30 this evening by a young kid that had gotten lost finding Cody’s place because he didn’t follow the map we had sent to the towing company. After talking to Cody about the details and again thanking him, I hung up the phone and completely broke down. Your mom was there listening to the conversation and she comforted me as best she could. It has been a painful day and this was the topper that took me over the edge emotionally.
The car is tucked away from prying eyes and curiosity seekers and it is most certainly in its final resting place as are you my son. What we will do with it is uncertain and at this time, not even important. That we have it in our possession is. One of the few things we have complete control over, perhaps the only thing, perhaps the only thing to come for a long time. Buggy, I am tired and must try to get some sleep. Please look over this home and again, take care of us…… your job is not done. I love you so much. dad
Jan 18th
I have mentioned Cody before in regards to this topic but let me tell you something about this man. He is a bear of a person, huge in physical stature and even bigger in heart and character. A previous customer, we became over the course of many years, friends. Christopher and he got along famously as Cody indulged Chris’ curiosity in guns, and I believe Cody genuinely enjoyed my son’s company and as he did with everyone, kidded him mercilessly about any number of topics.
Cody has been misunderstood my many people in my industry due to any number of tall tales woven about him, most quite frankly, true, or at least in some part true. But what many have never known, is the true nature of this man, the gentle nature and the caring , giving nature. A quality that assures his friends that he will be there for them when called upon, as he has been for me and my family. He will do what is asked if he can and will never ask for anything in return, save your continuing friendship.
He has also had encounters with death, close encounters that he speaks not about but are known by those close to him. He has told me not how he feels about those events and I have never asked him but I believe that in his heart they are experiences that he feels deeply about and may think about often. Like so many of my friends, he mourns for my son and for Kay and I and Caranne and I know he wishes he could do more but he has done the one and only thing we needed him to do and as usual, he has done it unselfishly and with compassion and sensitivity. He is a true friend and we will never be able to repay the enormous favor.
The most important person to us in all of this mess is my brother in law, Mike Schumacher. For those of you who were at the visitation and rosary, Mike was the one guiding me around the room, making sure I was aware of what was happening and making sure I was ok and making sure I was where I was supposed to be. I could not have gone through that night without him and I certainly could not have made it through this whole fucking ordeal without his strength, propping me up and his courage and silent dignified demeanor giving me the necessary courage to endure all those painful days.
Throughout my whole life, he has been a fixture and the man that I have always admired the most, next to my father. Those two men and the way they have lived their lives and carried themselves through crisis’ and trials provided the blueprint I have tried to follow in my own life. I have always respected him and looked up to him and although I have never voiced those words to him, I do now publicly and am sorry that I have not done so before now.
On one of the early nights of this tragedy, Mike and I sat in the living room and for probably the first time in our lives talked about his philosophy of life and the way he felt about events that helped shape his views and ethics. We also talked about his years in Vietnam, something I always wanted to talk to him about but never could summon the courage as I knew from my sister, his wife, that it was an intensely painful experience and I never wanted to make him speak of those times. He has lived through some of the most horrendous times a man could go through and I have always respected him for the way he was able to persevere and build a good life and be successful.
He is a straight shooter and if he tells you something, it’s the truth and his word is truly his bond. I can never repay him for these weeks he has been by my side and I will cherish in my heart the love and compassion he has shown all of us. Both he and my sister grieve for my son and she is his godmother. I feel badly that Mike was allowed no time to express his emotions during those weeks as he was busy taking care of so many matters and attending to all our needs. This experience will be a bond between us that will make our friendship stronger and our families closer.
This day is long and its about 7 pm. I was standing in line at the grocery store a few minutes ago and it struck me how odd it was that I was buying toilet paper, romaine lettuce, chip dip and chips, Kleenex ( which is not odd) and Granny Smith apples. My son is dead and I’m in the fucking Price Chopper waiting to check out!! Good God , is there no justice or just a little god damn relief for us??
Of course before I stopped there I went to the liquor store, which has been a too regular occurrence and then pulled into the car wash to quickly wash Kay’s Acura. All these things I do as though I am a trained dog, operating on rote, mindlessly doing the most mundane of tasks without even thinking about the lunacy of the acts I perform. I am bereft of emotion today. I have used it all up this morning taking care of several tasks around the house that needed doing but I had previously put off because of the nature of the chores.
Many of the items we brought home on the 17th, the dorm belongings and furnishings have been sitting in the garage on the side the “R” used to sit in. I realized just now that I have used the term , the “R” and many may not know of what I mean. Briefly, the “R” is the name Chris and I used for the “car”. It is an Acura Integra Type R. Anyway, we had slowly whittled away at the many items that were sitting there, using some for Caranne’s new room and moving other pieces to various parts of the house as we found need of them or put away for safe keeping. There was not much left, but I had avoided moving the last of the items as they were things he used daily and I have found I have trouble dealing with immediate, recently used items of his.
So I moved what was left up to his room and it will sit along with everything else we have until we start organizing and sorting thru all the pieces of his life. I also wrote a long letter to Julie and that in and of itself was quite draining emotionally. She had sent me an email containing suggestions for captions of pictures I had recently posted to the gallery and I had been meaning to write her as I will to all of his friends. Hers was the most important and I tried to put as much thought and feelings into it as I could muster. She was an integral part of his life, they shared more than can be imagined by bystanders and friends and she is important to us. She is a gateway if you will, to the side of Chris we didn’t see on a daily basis; a conduit, a human memory stick, containing information about his thoughts, his daily activities, his dreams and hopes, things expressed only to her, residing now in her memory. She will always be welcome into this home, to sit in his room, to rest her mind or spirit or to be with us in thinking and grieving for our son.
Jan 27th I,m having a bad moment and need to post this letter to my son......
Christopher, I have been thinking so much about you son, especially when I lay down to try to get some sleep. I wonder if you will come to me while I’m sleeping or if I will wake up in the middle of the night as I do every night, about 3am and have you standing there in the room, maybe a ghostly apparition, telling me you are ok. I want so badly to see you son and my heart is breaking and I am starting to cry even now as I write this sentence, I cannot help it son. Oh chrisopher my heart is broken so badly and I cannot figure out what to do about it and its so hard to type this with tears streaming down my face. I want so much for this to all go away and for everything to be like it was. I need you son to hug me tightly like you used to do and pat me on the back and call me “padre”. Oh son how could you leave us like this.
I know I have to keep going and to not give up but son you cannot imagine how hard this is to do. Some days I am so tired I don’t even want to get out of bed and other days I get out of bed and make it to work but want to leave as soon as I get there. And when I look up from my desk and see your picture on the office wall, I want to cry. I miss you calling me during the late morning like you had started doing right before the thanksgiving break just to check in. and now that I realize that you were homesick and feeling lonely and unsure what to do, I feel guilty that I may have rushed you off the phone or didn’t understand completely why you had called. Oh buggy, I wish I had those days to do over again and I hope you aren’t mad at me or worse yet I hope I didn’t hurt your feelings.
I hope you know son how much you meant to me and how you changed this old man into a happy father. I hope you know how you changed my life so completely and taught me how to be a more unselfish person, one who would have sacrificed myself if it would mean you could be here now. I would gladly, right now, kill myself by any means if God would tell you could come back this instant and be with your mother and sister. We need you so much son and I don’t know how we will manage from here but we have no choice and I hope you don’t ever think we will go on without you willingly. I don’t want to leave you behind and I never will son. I will be there everyday to see you and I will end my day by sitting in your room talking to you and telling you goodnight and I will start every one of my lonely days by walking into that same room and telling you good morning. Oh son I hope you can hear me and I hope you will make our pain go away. I love you so much Christopher and I miss you and want to hug you and kiss your cheek and tell you I’m here for you.
Jan. 19th
I went running this morning for the first time in over a week. It’s been too damn cold with single digit mornings and I haven’t had the energy mentally to make my self get up and do it. This morning was about 32 and I can handle that although my stamina isn’t what it should be and was only able to manage about a mile and a half. I don’t run long distances anyway and am usually a 3 mile max runner due to my knees which have pretty much determined how far I can go comfortably and still be able to do it again the following day.
I have always run for two basic reasons: I am vain and don’t want to look like a lot of those middle aged guys with huge pot bellies, of which I have always fought. The second and really the most important to me was I knew I had to stay in shape for Christopher especially since we both dove regularly and many of those dives would be in difficult conditions with heavy chop, 1 to 2 knot currents and cold water. He was an excellent diver and understood the nuances of the craft; the buoyancy control, breath techniques, fin and kicking methods. He understood all of those things and I was so damn proud that he had worked and paid attention to all I had tried to teach him so that he would be safe while 100 ft underwater or working against a steady , hard current.
I imagined that I would dive a few more years and then give it up altogether depending on what Chris would be doing in his life. I have been many places to SCUBA and many of those multiple times so the continuation of doing so had become based mostly on what he wanted to do. My enjoyment was doing it with HIM!! We had such great times on the boats, but waking him up at 7 in the morning was the hardest part of the day as he and his sister, would always stay up late, and a vacation in the tropics is not the place to rise early. But he would eventually, and we would drag ourselves down to the boat and gear up and go out on the water in the bright hot tropical morning.
He had long prided himself on the fact that he and I never wore wet suits to dive the warm waters. We would chuckle to ourselves and give each other the “rolling eyes” look as many others onboard would don heavy multiple layer wetsuits, gloves, hoods and any other item that would keep them from the very thing they were there to do: get wet!!
No, we just wore an old T shirt and trunks, strapped on our tanks and fins, and off the side of the boat we would go, free of all the encumbrances the others, still onboard, were readying. And even more to his delight was the fact that we were always the first ones in and the last ones out. Meaning we consumed much less air than the others, something he took great pride in, as he should have. Many times the dive masters would pull me aside
or tell him directly what a good diver he was and as such they usually left us alone, secure in the knowledge they would not have to worry about us.
Last summer, which is now to be our final time together in the water, we laughed so hard one day as heavy high seas and strong current left many on the boat seasick and unable to either make the dive or cause them to finish it prematurely. As we came up at the end of the last dive of that day, he and I were bobbing in the heavy swell, waiting for the boat to come get us, and it was along way off in the distance, the high waves obscuring our view of it. Chris with this huge smile on his face, enjoying the waves, pointed to another diver who had swam to where we were and suddenly the guy “chums” the ocean!! To non divers that means he puked his guts up while partially submerged, many inexperienced divers eating large breakfasts before diving. I laughed at Chris as the guy was closer to him and Chris quickly ducked under the heavy waves and swam toward my side avoiding the growing cloud of brown bits! God, how I will miss those times with my son.
I am pretty spent emotionally tonite but feel compelled, as I have during this whole month, to press on and keep writing and logging the days events as they unfold, trying not to worry about whether I am doing the right thing or whether this is good for my mental state. I am really starting to wonder whether this has become more about me and not my son. Some things have come up that are making me reconsider this whole journal thing and might it be misunderstood by the few that are reading it. I think I am really getting confused about the subject and almost dumped the whole page the other night thinking I have been too open and too self indulgent with the things I am putting down.
My intent has always been to let people see how Chris’ death has affected this family and to show how much we loved this kid and how much we are suffering without him and how difficult this whole process has been on all of us. Setting up this website came to be one night in the hospital, I could not get the idea out of my head, and I was compelled to do it. I have no other explanation for starting something that has been so painful to do. Sometimes the effort seems masochistic but I honestly cannot stop trying to keep what he means to us from getting lost. I cannot let him be forgotten, I just cannot and I do think that this site is helping others deal with their personal loss of him. How can that be wrong?
I have compiled a list of songs, older 70’s and 80’s stuff, gleaned from Kazaa and arranged in the Media Player. I have taken comfort in listening to these songs when I go to bed, while I lay and contemplate the days events and Christopher. They are songs I have always loved and until the advent of Kazaa and other such sites, they resided mostly in my memories and the tunes would periodically creep into my mind and I would curse myself that I could not remember the words.
Now I have listened to them many times and have, as so many other people do, find meaning and relevance in the lyrics.Their poignancy makes my heart heavy and sometimes I cry, thinking of how the words have meaning in this situation we are in and how they relate directly to my son and me. I am listening to Alone Again Naturally by Gilbert O’ Sullivan. An old one to be sure but since I first listened to it years ago, have always loved the lyrics and now their meaning is for me alone:
To think, that only yesterday, I was cheerful bright and gay
Looking forward to, wouldn’t do the role I was about to play
But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces
Leaving me to doubt all about God and his mercy
For if he really does exist, why did he desert me
And in my hour of need, I truly am indeed
Alone again, naturally
It seems to me that there are more hearts broken in the world that can’t be mended
Left unattended ,
What do we do? What do we do?
Or Helen Reddy’s You and Me Against The World. A corny song by most people’s gauge but I have always loved the orchestration and the lyrics. Now certain parts of it have meaning at this time and it makes me think of Chris and how he and I were father and son and how I am sure he would have followed me into battle, no matter what the circumstances, and would have surely had my back, as I know he KNEW, I had his.
You and me against the world
Sometimes it feels like you and me against the world
When all the others turn their backs and walk away
You can count on me to stay
And when one of us is gone
And one of us is left to carry on
Then remembering will have to do
Our memories alone will get us thru
Think about the days of me and you
You and me against the world
It has been a very hard day due to a few things that came up unexpectedly and I will detail those events tomorrow. For now I am so sad, Kay and Teresa are visiting Christopher, and I am sitting here sipping a margarita in my room awaiting their return. Teresa has been a God Send and she is going above the call of duty to help us in our time of need. Mary Kay needs her shoulder and her compassion, doing the things only a sister could do, feeling all of her pain and knowing how best to help. I need her comforting hugs and pats on the back, her empathetic nature when I break down and her soothing voice. I feel more depressed these last few days and more forlorn , unable to put a finger on exactly what is causing my mood. The helplessness and feelings of hopelessness are looming larger now and as usual, the praying isn’t helping and I can only try to keep going.
10 pm same night
I still haven’t given up yet today. Kay is safe back home and the feelings are still the same: hopelessness mostly. I want to cry but can summon no energy and can think only of Chris and where we are in this moment in time. My eyes are irritated as hell, cloudy, watery and I have drank too much. The alcohol deadens the pain but only for a bit. I try to go to bed before its effects wear off hoping my exhaustion will quickly put my body and my overactive mind down swiftly. Sleep has been hard to come by the last few days and I can get no relief from the mental seesaw my mind goes through. I am perhaps at one of the lowest times I have been in and I really don’t understand it.
Kay has had a long hard day: her first full day back at work. I know she is tired and worn out too, I can see it clearly, yet she goes on about the house, picking up things, straightening, busy work that makes no difference. I called Cody tonight to get his address so I can send him a thank you letter for keeping the car for us. I talked to Darla, his lovely wife and filled her in on various things she asked about; Caranne’s health, Mary Kay etc. I could barely get through the call as I told her I wanted their address so I could send Cody a thank you letter. We have entrusted them with a very precious commodity, a favor done for us that we cannot repay. I have to let him know how I feel and it will be difficult as Cody and I share the same “guy thing”; embarrassed at expressing our feelings, but it has to be done and I want to make sure he understands what the favor means to us.
Jan 20th
I scanned and posted more pics to Chris’ website today, I only cried once, and that was when I first opened the various envelopes that Kay had separated the pics into. I haven’t had a good day today as I went back to work and John and I finally finished the new invert system I had started on several weeks ago. I knew it needed finishing because its costing us sales and we really have to ramp back up if we are to keep the business running and do all the things we had planned before Chris’ death.
I don’t really feel that compelled to do the work but I know we have to. I am more worried about Kay. She has jumped into the deep end this week with regards to work and she was showing the strain yesterday after a hectic half day and today she worked until 1:30 or so and then has been on 2 conference calls since then and her face is ashen and weary and I can tell she is about to drop. I knew once the people at work saw she was externally looking “ok” that that would be their sign to really pile on and pile on they have. The “compassion factor” that appeared to give us hope the “honeymoon” would last longer has vanished and its business as usual for them. This week will really test her and whether she is ready to try to get back to work. I believe she needs to keep busy doing something, the problem is there is no “gearing up at Sprint”. Every day is an emergency, every problem is immense, and they are always behind.
I haven’t heard from any of Chris’ friends and that is making me worry that they have forgotten about him already. It is the first week of the second semester and I am sure they are busy trying to get situated but I feel like a jilted bride. I know it seems ludicrous that I would feel this way but I think I had gotten to look forward to the few emails I was getting and it has been a slow week even thought is appears the website is still getting a lot of activity. I will just assume people are busy but still thinking of him and us.
Teresa left for home this morning and that is also hard to deal with. I have become to depend on her visits as they do make the days pass easier and I know it helps Kay immensely. She seems better when Teresa is here and her spirits seem a little higher. They went to visit Chris last nite and then they stopped off at JAlexanders for a drink and some dinner. I was so glad she got out a bit and I think it made her feel better. We have little desire to get out but are forced to make trips to the store and various other errands that need doing.
I guess the big news is that when I got home from work on Wed., Teresa had taken down all the Christmas decorations, everything!!! I was upset at first because I didn’t know that she and Kay had decided to do it. When Cindy was here last weekend, they wanted to but I was not ready to see them go. Go figure. The guy that hates Christmas didn’t want to take them down and I think somehow I would have been glad if they stayed up all year. I had gotten to when I didn’t even notice them but certainly noticed when the room was again, bare. I felt like we had betrayed Chris by taking them down. His gifts were still under the tree, testament to his absence and the horrible way we spent the holidays. How could God have done this to him and to us is beyond my comprehension.
Now his gifts are up in his room and I don’t have any idea what will become of them. I can tell in finishing this entry up that I am again getting very depressed as I hadn’t thought about any of these events in great detail until recounting them now and it will make the evening as usual, difficult to bear. I still have to go see him today and its already almost 6pm. I was so exhausted when I got home from work that I lay down and took a short nap so now my schedule is delayed. I have to go see him, talk to him, and be with him. It’s all I have left and I cannot let that ever go. I miss him so much………
Jan21st
Another Friday has arrived: five weeks since my beloved son’s death I have a lot of ground I need to cover in this journal today and I fear I will not remember all I need to say. First is Mary Kay. Just for the record, she has lost both her parents and now her most cherished part of her is also gone. Her father died at an early age, about 55 or so of a heart attack and it devastated her, Chris was just a few months old when it happened and even at an early age, he gave her strength to go on. She never would let anyone take him during that time, always holding him close to her, leaning on him and his happy face and spirit to get her through those dark days. She was so sad that her father had died before Chris was old enough to remember “ Big Jim” and to take advantage of all the man had to offer , which was considerable.
Barely a year ago it seems, her mother died very unexpectedly, taken in her sleep and again we grieved. That loss I think was even harder on her and Chris again, held her up and took care of her needs, constantly looking after her and watching, while he himself, grieved for a grandmother he was immensely close to. Jane had gone on several family vacations with us over the years, after Jim’s death, so our kids were deeply connected to her and loved her dearly. Some of my wife’s life energy was taken the day her mom died, the burden almost too much for her to bear. But slowly she made her way back and was able to carry on with the help of the love of both of her kids.
Now this: I give you the history so that those that didn’t know what has happened to her over the years will see how this loss and its unbelievable pain will make a third comeback questionable at best. I cannot forsee the future and I have no reason to believe we will be shown any mercy or compassion from a God that has so far abandoned us. I have only Chris to guide us now and I pray he can somehow look over Caranne and Mary Kay and bring them a sense of calm and peace they desperately need.
I am home today while Kay makes another attempt at work. She has put in two grueling days already and this last will sap whatever strength she has left. She is having trouble making herself do it and it is understandable as her job is very demanding and requires an immense amount of mental fortitude in the best of conditions say nothing of what we are going through now. I am really worried about her but can only try to take care of all other matters here at home so she does not have to worry about the mundane chores and duties that always seem to be waiting. I will do what I have to for both of them and will make any sacrifice to see they are as comfortable and nurtured as possible.
10pm
Its been five weeks, five gut wrenching, agony filled weeks with no relief or respite in the foreseeable future. How will we get beyond Christopher’s death. how will we even begin to put back together our shattered lives. How will we find the necessary courage and will power to even make an attempt at some semblance of normalcy. Fridays are the worst and tonight is no different. We sit here in this house alone, the three of us,silent in our thoughts of him, a silence which hides the fears the 3 of us have: all different in the manner in which these fears permeate our minds. The horrific little flashbacks: the brief but all too real images that suddenly without warning, slip into our thoughts and make that little queasy knot in the pit of your stomach. All things we now know all too well as they have visited us many times.
It’s 10:30 and I am tired and caranne’s company has just left. It is good to hear her laughing, enjoying herself and she even did some homework today. We will see what tomorrow will bring but we will not expect much. Still no sign of God………
Jan22nd
Its Saturday afternoon and the house is quiet and slow. None of us have any energy to do anything. Caranne is just now getting around ands its nearly 1 pm. Kay is looking at some bills and watching KU get beat and I have been fretting all morning about not being able to get into the website because of some technical issues the host is having. I started two fires this morning and the cats are warming themselves in front of the upstairs one, enjoying the bright sun and warmth that radiates from the fire.
I had my morning crying jag after walking several times past Chris’ freshman Rockhurst yearbook picture sitting on the bookcase that is by the doorway of the spare bedroom. His bright innocent smile is the same one we can see in many of his younger pictures when he was a child and that wonderful face, full of happiness and promise, makes me so intensely sad I can barely stand it. We are so ….. I am running out of words to describe how we feel…. So depressed, angry, sad, dejected, deflated, weary, tired, emotionally spent, just spend, God any number of adjectives. I don’t know. I am really struggling the last few days and I just cant see any light.
The big problem is for those who have never been in this situation, is that when you get that wave of grief that hits you so hard, the feelings of missing him are so intense and deep, that it becomes a extremely anxious feeling of wanting to satisfy your need to hold him and physically see him. Intellectually you know that’s not possible but your mind makes it hard for you to accept that reality and so it’s worse than an itch you can’t reach. It’s a grief and hurt you cannot placate or sooth and it becomes a feeling of such helplessness that you really concretely, want to die in order to make that feeling go away.
Yes, I think it’s the feelings of helplessness and forlorn that are so difficult to handle. These is nothing, nothing, nothing we can do to make this better and that fact is so very hard to accept and sit with mentally. You feel like reaching out to someone thinking that will make you feel better but you know that is not possible and that makes the feelings even worse. Its an exponential thing I believe, it keeps compounding itself until it overwhelms you and basically just defeats you completely and you are forced to submit to its will. The three of us need desperately to do something today but I have absolutely no idea what the “something” is. I am feeling so penned up here in this place of pain and I have nowhere to go or anything to do. This weekend will indeed be long and lonely.
My sister Kathy came by today with her 3 kids to check in on us. It was good to see her and her daughters who as always are filled with themselves, all confidant and personable, beautiful to look at and caring and compassionate. Our god daughter, Chelsea, the middle child has such a beautiful face and smile, but as they all are today, uneasy and unsure as to how to conduct themselves in our presence, fearful that they will misspeak or commit some social faux-pas , and thereby injure us in some way not intended. They seem glad to see Josie, and the youngest, Beena, made her a beautiful blanket, soft and colorful with bright yellows and patterns that brightened the mood.
Jan 23rd Sunday
Grief is exacting its toll on me today. As I sat down to watch the first football game the familiar feelings of doom and anxiety came over me and I slumped into the couch hoping it would pass swiftly. But it did not, it hasn’t yet anyway and I stared at the tv consumed only in the waves of depression that rolled in like waves onto the beach. I nervously got up intending to come upstairs to write in this journal but Mary Kay called as she and Caranne had just gotten back from running errands which included another stop to see Chris.
The weekend has been extremely lonely as we have had no one save my sister briefly, to spend time with us. We have I fear, come to depend on either Teresa or Cindy to make the long hours pass easier with their comforting ways and shoulders to bolster our spirits. This house is so lonely even with the three of us here and there is no real comfort to be found in any of its rooms. I haven’t even spent any time in Chris’ room this weekend, although I always go in to wish him good morning and at night to say goodnight. It’s so quiet in there and I believe that if is sit there long enough and silently enough, he may speak to me somehow or ethereally float into my sub conscience and tell me he is ok.
Kay will go to work again Monday and I will go later in the day after she returns. She has spoken to both Nathan and Jules this weekend and somehow that made me feel better. I have sent letters to both of them and Nick and Devin. The contents are private but similar in nature and I am awaiting their replies. I am very tired this night as we all have been over the weekend, Caranne slept a lot today and Kay slept in later than usual and I woke up and went to 7:30 mass. I feel compelled to go even though I have no reason to believe it is helping in the least. I try to pray and talk to Chris and ask for his help and guidance. I firmly believe he is listening to me and I have to continue to press my case for his continued vigilance of us.
His job is not done and I have told him that repeatedly. He must continue to look after his sister, now more than ever, and I desperately need him to find a way to come to his mother and sister to calm their minds and give them a sense of peace so that they will start to mend emotionally. We have nothing else we can hope for. I pray he can find a way to do what I ask of him. We need him so badly……..
Jan.24th
My niece Alicia, probably Chris’ favorite cousin just sent me what I hope is the first of many stories to add to his website. It’s a very touching story about my son and further demonstrates what a caring, loving young man he was. It made me cry to read it but it makes me feel so good that he was the man he was and that he was not afraid in the least, to show his emotions and how much others meant to him. I will post it tonight along with some new journal pages. I really have been struggling with whether I am doing the right thing by posting my journal. It seems now to be a exercise in self indulgence and more about me than my son, which is not my intent. My intent has always been to let people know how much he meant to all of us and how much we are missing him. I don’t know, I may have to rethink that part of it.
The thing I really want is for his friends to write THEIR stories of Chris and the good times they had and the things they said and did together. Their memories are what I really want to have so we can be reminded how much he loved life and his friends. I understand that many of them are getting back to school and have other commitments but I dearly hope they don’t forget to write them and send them to me.
I spoke to an acquaintance of ours today who lost their son when he was 9 years old. This is the first time I have reached out to someone who understands what we are going thru and I wonder if its too early or even the right thing to be doing. I have known him for some time as he works with Kay but I don’t know him well at all and I don’t know his wife at all but she was who I spoke to. She was very receptive and understanding and said a great deal in the nearly hour we spent on the phone. They have reached out to us early on, I had kept the cards they had sent because they were sincere and knowing and I knew that at some point, we would want to avail ourselves of their experiences and knowledge. I have to find a way though, to get my family through this nightmare and I am not afraid to seek out others who may be helpful or have insights on how to carry on as we are forced to.
Grief is giving me a temporary reprieve so far today which means now at almost 6 in the evening, my night will be long and it will make me pay…… it always does! I fucking hate it and what it does to me. One thing this woman wrote to us in the card that struck me deeply was this line: “You aren’t who you used to be anymore nor are you who you’ll become”. I know the first part all to well as I am just a shell right now with no substance or soul or desire and I cannot even begin to fathom who I will become when this goddamn nightmare subsides…… if it ever does.
Jan.25th 5:30 am
Christopher, I haven’t written you in a while and I feel badly about that. I have been so absorbed in my own grief of you that I have been very selfish in my thinking. Julie has once again been a messenger, bringing us again, the most immediate bits of your life away from us with pictures of you skateboarding in Manhatten. I opened the email last night as I was adding some material to the website and again, I was struck so hard emotionally that I started to wail so hard and deeply that your mother heard me from downstairs and came to see what was wrong. I again made this harder on her by doing so but son I couldn’t help it. She too gazed upon the one pic that caused my pain and she broke down too: its effects are devastating.
There in a almost sepia tone is a picture of you performing a “nollie” I think, grabbing the bottom of the skateboard while airborne, close up and appearing to execute it perfectly. The part that makes us both cry though is the look of your face, somehow transformed into a younger version of you, innocent and young but still mature and determined. Oh son, when I look at that picture I can only think of what god has taken from us and of how truly blessed we were to have you. People are going to think you were a saint in our eyes but I cant help it. You were the most perfect of kids and maybe it was wrong of us to think that you would be ours forever or at least long enough for you to bury us with your sister at your side, performing the circle of life as its supposed to be, not this wholly screwed up version we have been forced to endure.
Oh buggy how can we go on? I know we have to and that is what is expected of us but finding our way will be so hard and the pain that is left to experience is too overwhelming to imagine. I can tell in the last week that your sister is finally starting to come back to reality. Her body language is unmistakable and her mood too is all to telling. I fear so much yet son because there is so much unknown still and I desperately don’t want to be knocked down again unexpectedly but I also know I cannot control what is to come. I only know we have no choice and can only walk the path that is set.
Jan 26th
I went to work today again and tried to get focused on getting things back in full gear. John has been taking care of things these past weeks and its too much to do for one and a half persons and we are in remarkably good condition all things considered. There is a lot of cleaning to do which is a constant in this business but we can take care of that in no time. There are some other maintenance issues such as UV bulbs that need changing etc and we will get to that asap. The other business ventures that John and I had started have been sitting idle and we will attempt to restart those projects sometime next week.
It has not been a particularly good day and due to confidentiality issues , I cannot go into those matters publicly as I may have in the past. One thing is for sure, we are in no better condition that before and mentally may be in worse condition. This process of grief is exacting its toll on all of us and there is really nothing that can be done about it. Maybe someone with a better attitude could turn this into something more meaningful and useful but I am not the person to do that. Some cynics may say I have a defeatist mentality but I really don’t think a person can do much in this situation. The enormity of this is overwhelming and I believe we are doing no worse and maybe better than some might. We are very strong people and if this thing can reduce us to this state, what would it do to someone who is weak minded or of low courage.
Bobby showed up at the vault yesterday and it made me feel so good that he had stopped by on his own to see Chris. I have worried that he was a little callous and non caring about the whole event and that he would just forget about what happened and go on about his business. He was sincere and spent quite a bit of time there with Chris and I felt much better after he left. He said he and Nathan were coming home this weekend and that they would stop by the house to see Josie. I hope they do. I think we need to see them.
I posted those great pictures that jules sent me the other day of Chris skateboarding and they turned out very good. A customer of mine , Tom at Northland pets gave me a good photo editing program and it really made resizing these huge digital pictures easy and fast. I will have to remember to pay him back in some way. He has always been good at getting john and I any type of program we might need, and at no charge!!! I sent a thank you letter to Cody today and while it was hard to write and even harder to proofread, I feel so much better for sending it to him. It was necessary to let him know how much we have appreciated all his help. I miss my son so much I can barely stand it and really don’t know what to do. We are fumbling around like blind people and I cannot say what the outcome will be. We have to try to go on, its just that simple.
Jan.29th
Another weekend is in motion and as usual it is painful and slow. We have been hanging around the house not doing anything in particular. Kay has done a little housecleaning, some laundry, the normal stuff. I have done pretty much nothing. I thought we might have enough firewood to last the day so I went out Friday afternoon and gathered up all I could find that wasn’t wet or icy and there was barely enough to make it 4 or 5 hours so I abandoned the idea.
I have sent some correspondence to a few friends and worked on the website a bit. I added some pages to the now “questionable journal” and added some great pics of chris that Nick sent me earlier in the week. I changed the homepage picture to that great one of chris in his skating tshirt, his smile as always, bright and lively. I have to figure out how to add some smaller pictures around it so that it will fill the whole space and not have any white borders around it. It will take some time but I will figure it out or ask someone who has done website to fine-tune it for us so it looks cleaner and less rudimentary.
I thought maybe Julie or Nathan would show up this weekend but clearly that’s not going to happen. Nate may not have been able to get a ride back home and I am wondering about Julie. It’s possible and I told Kay this, that she may be doing better than expected or also possible, that this place is too painful for her and if she comes she may end up taking a huge step backward in her recovery process. If that’s the case then I would not want her to come especially our of obligation to us. Nathan’s situation is easier to figure out; he has no car so can only get here when someone is heading this way. Regardless, I am really missing both of them and somehow I feel hurt that they are not here.
Our grief level has been very erratic this weekend but it always shows up and reminds us of why we feel so badly. Today, Saturday, has mostly been painful but kay and I did go see chris together and that was something we really needed. We both started feeling badly at the same time today and I think we both recognized it and decided to take advantage of cindy being here to watch caranne.
I have been reading 3 books about death of loved ones, near death and related subjects. A woman whose son died came over early Friday afternoon to drop them off and we talked briefly about Chris and our situation. Finally, someone who understands what we are going through! She was very compassionate and understanding and I felt like I had known her for many years. She was so easy to confide in and she clearly knew how I felt. Kay didn’t talk to her but I filled her in later on the conversation we had. I am not sure I agreed with all she had to say about the subject but she gave me plenty to think about and maybe even hope about. The books are difficult to read and after reading a few chapters of each, I am wondering if books will be of much help to me. I will try to keep at it for a few chapters more before I decide.
I also called the Restivo family this evening as kay and I decided last night that we should contact them for some support and help understanding what we are going through. Their son was killed almost a year ago and he was a Rockhurst alum. Christopher knew of Ritchie and had been to the Rockhurst rituals for him that had been done for Chris. How ironic is that? I remember reading about his death and telling Chris about it one morning. He was clearly affected by it and without telling him to do so, went to all the functions Rockhurst had arranged. I think it is inevitable that we will be drawn to these people, who like us, have endured the most feared event parents ponder. We are novices and are stumbling, unsure of what to do next. The grief completely paralyzes you and the feelings of hopelessness and forlorn make each day almost unbearable.
We have to find a way to survive this. We have absolutely no choice in the matter and I know as cliché as it sounds, Christopher could not imagine that with all we taught him about duty and obligation, that we could not forge ahead and fight our way through this nightmare. We have to salvage our lives so that caranne can find a way to again be happy and start back on whatever seemingly normal path she can find. It will not be the same path she was on when he was here; it will be different because she will be different as will kay and I. Our obligation as parents require us to pull ourselves up and make the best of this hell and find the courage and strength to continue. I hope to god we can find our way because now, I am having a hard time seeing how that will be done.
Jan. 30th
Another weekend is almost past and we have again, survived another week without Christopher. I went to church again this morning with cindy and then we came home and mary kay had made a huge breakfast. The weather is not helping my mood and these long gloomy cold days are really starting to take their toll. Not that a sunny day would make this any better but at least we might be able to feel a little more energetic if the sun were to actually show up.
I watched a movie early this afternoon as I could not get focused on anything work wise here at the house. I watched I Robot, which actually wasn’t too bad. When it was at the theaters I didn’t go see it as it seemed every time I turned on the tv, they were practically showing you the entire movie! Then about half way through the movie, I started getting the same old anxiety and sadness that creeps up on you. I realized that this was the first time since Chris died that I had sat downstairs and watched a movie on the home theater. I don’t know; I feel like I shouldn’t be enjoying myself while he is not here but its not like I was really having fun. These type of activities are more to while away the hours than they are entertainment. After that, kay and I went to see him and we had a good visit. There is still to much noisy activity there at the mausoleum during the weekends with all the visitations that go on. It can be very distracting but mostly irritating that people go and make a lot of noise and let their fucking kids run around as if it’s a playground.
Later we decided to go get some dinner but didn’t want to make a production out of it and be gone too long so we went to Tanners: a regular for us in normal times. I believe it will be the first casualties of this new paradigm we are evolving to. The changes that this new life will mete us will be many and those old things that were comfortable and easy may not be so now. Perhaps Tanners will be somewhere I go by myself to have a beer but I do not see it as a comforting place for the two of us anymore.
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